


bruised knuckles & violent nostalgia

by gaydepresso



Category: The Half of It (2020)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Soulmates, and they were roommates!, i feel like it's going to be more fake dating-esque and not pure fake dating though, the fake dating comes later though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:20:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 24,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23994403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaydepresso/pseuds/gaydepresso
Summary: aster's family never moved out of sacramento, so ellie and aster didn't meet until college. aka a "whatever's on your soulmate's skin is also on your skin" au combined with the angst that comes with being roommates.soulmates + roommates + (eventually sort of) fake dating au
Relationships: Ellie Chu/Aster Flores
Comments: 207
Kudos: 928





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> i know that it'd make so much sense for there to be a college au where it follows canon because it's already fucking flawless canonically, but i was reading college au prompts and a roommates au just seemed like it'd go well with a "whatever's on your soulmate's skin is also on your skin" fic so now here we are

Aster Flores grows up with her skin almost permanently, and painfully, bare. There’s the occasional odd little black stains on her hands, but they’re always gone within the hour. Outwardly, she doesn’t let that deter her. She jokes that she’s messy enough for the both of them, always marked with little doodles and notes, lets the jokes about how her soulmate must be some sort of neat freak slide (because it’s better that they make fun of someone she doesn’t even know than for them to be calling her the soulless freak).

Inwardly though, she resigns herself to a life alone. She resigns herself to a life filled with meaningless encounters, endless blind dates that’ll never work out, and, more than that, an overwhelming feeling of emptiness. 

She’s sixteen when she realizes she might not be straight. Kissing some random girl at a party shouldn’t have made her feel more than all the hundreds of dates with her boyfriend. Still, she stays with him anyways. That other girl just enjoyed the cheers the boys made as it was happening, didn’t even notice the epiphany and panic that’d shot through Aster with a mere brush of their tongues. 

Plus, it was easy to pretend she wasn’t lonely when she had the most popular boy in school hanging around her all the time. Maybe easy was the wrong word, but pretending was better than the alternative. Pretending was easier than the alternative. So, with a flood of what if my parents find out, what if my friends discover that I liked that, what if my fucking boyfriend discovers I liked that, what if, what if, what if; she shoved the feeling down, couldn’t be allowing herself to feel such things, especially with her pastor father and all the other people constantly waiting for her to fail. Fitting in, keeping up the appearances of belonging, was more important than anything else.

As soon as she’s able, she goes off to the farthest nearest college she can. Financially, she can’t afford to go too far, but, emotionally, she can’t afford to stay in the same town anymore, so she chose Grinnell. 

Her first day there, she meets Ellie Chu. Having only ever lived in California, seeing anyone as bundled up as Ellie had been was new. Knowing not everyone was as willing to flaunt their marks as the people she used to know, she didn’t press. Having a roommate she was close to, who she could talk to, who understood her, was enough. (It had to be.)

~-~-~-

Ellie Chu may have been born in China, but she’d left too soon for her to have any memory of what it was like there. She watches movies with her dad, listens to him talk about her mom, and all she can do is wonder if that’s what love is. That kind of bone-deep sadness her dad can’t seem to get rid of. If so, she thinks to herself, she hopes she never finds it. 

Squahamish isn’t exactly known for its diversity, so it’s a bit of a shock when Paul Munsky defends her. As much as she’d like to say they’ve been inseparable ever since, that would be a lie. He, at least, was consistent. His puppy-like face got to her eventually, and that, alongside the fact that he’d bonded with her dad, was enough for her. 

Paul clearly liked all those romance movies more than her, and she was grateful her dad would have someone while she was gone, but she didn’t know how to adequately explain how stupid she thought the concept of soulmates was. So what if there was someone out there drawing little smiley faces, and stars, and hearts, and writing notes as reminders all over her arms and thighs? That didn’t mean anything. And it wouldn’t mean anything unless she let it. So she never let it, and wore long sleeves, long pants, year-round.

She never understood how her dad could keep such unwavering faith in that concept. Of course she loved her mom, but in what way was that kind of pain worth it? To never see anything foreign mark on your skin? Paul claims that that’s what love is; to have the good outweigh the bad, and quotes Tennyson at her. 

Sometimes, she wishes she was more like him. Optimistic, happy, hopeful. He shows off his marks like he’s proud to belong to someone. He’s confident and self-assured in a way that Ellie simply wasn’t. But, then again, their differences are what made their friendship work, so Ellie decides she likes the way they both were.

When she chose where to go to college, there were really only two guiding thoughts. Did she want to leave her dad and Paul? Would going away really help her find other people? Her dad and Paul are both supportive, only ever wanting what’s best for her, so she leaves. 

The second she arrives at her dorm and sees Aster Flores in all her pen-marked glory, she has already concluded that the next year is either going to be the best or worst year of her life.


	2. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aster preps for and goes on a date with trig, comes back really drunk, so she and ellie have a heart-to-heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i tried to make trig not that much of an asshole but like still kind of an asshole? idk. also i've actually kinda planned this fic so hopefully i won't run out of steam and will eventually finish writing it, but i do have ap exams coming up. but knowing me i probs won't prep for them anyways because i'm lazy as fuck and i'm actually really enjoying writing this despite it taking me literally forever. but so basically with all that the updates are going to definitely be kinda sporadic. plus i have to prep college portfolio shit so i really should not be doing this and should work on that instead if anything, but oh well.

Over the months, Aster’s came to discover that Ellie always thought things through. Of course that facet of her being became obvious with a quick read-through of her papers for shared classes, but, in general, she’s rarely spontaneous, even while talking.

As such, it was more than a little surprising to have ramble on about some boy on their walk back from class.

Gazing at her with a blatantly endeared look, Aster watched as Ellie talked. “He’s just so annoying! Did you hear the way he interrupted the professor? Like, sorry rich boy, some of us want to hear what the teacher says! God, he’s such a fucking douchecanoe, the way he put his feet on the table, during class no less, and just- ugh it fucking reeks of classic, arrogant, pretentious, misogynistic asshole! I left Hell-quamish to avoid those types of dicks, and now you’re telling me they’re invading my favorite class? That fucking math boy’s presence irks me!”

Nodding at the appropriate intervals, Aster notes almost absentmindedly how her hands haven’t seen a single second of black since she’d arrived at school. Stopping, she asked, “Wait, you mean Trig?”

Rolling her eyes, Ellie responded, “Yeah, him.”

Unsure of what to really say, “Oh, um, I kind of have a date with him tonight?”

Blinking rapidly as if trying to restart an undesirable simulation, Ellie nearly yelled, “Wait, sorry? You’re dating him? What’s wrong with you? He didn’t even sit with you!”

“To be fair, I did choose to sit with you.”

“That’s not the point! He’s a terrible person!” 

Aster shrugs, refusing to allow herself to believe that Ellie was jealous. Instead, she rationalized, Ellie was being a good friend, wanting to protect her. It wasn’t so much that Ellie wanted her, but that she didn’t want Trig to have her. Replying once she’d gotten herself under control, “He’s sort of a family friend. Our parents went to school together so they set us up because, for the first time, not only are we in the same state, we’re also in the same school.”

Outraged, “That’s not a good enough reason! What is this the Middle Ages? They can’t just sell you off to the highest bidder!”

Laughing now, “They’re not selling me off! They just think it’d probably be nice for me to spend time with someone they know, and, if we happen to hit it off, that’s another plus.”

Pouting, “Fine, but I’m waiting up for you tonight to make sure you’re okay.”

Smiling more genuinely this time, Aster takes Ellie’s hand and squeezes it as both a confirmation and to reassure her. 

And she knows it’s dramatic, but she chooses to blame it on the fact that they’d just left Intro to Literature, because there’s no objective way of explaining why, when Ellie squeezed back, all she could think was: you’re holding my hand and breaking my heart, because I’d rather go on a date with you than any boy, than any girl, but you don’t believe in love, and I’m not willing to risk your existence in my life just because I believe in us. 

~-~-~-

Not particularly wanting to actually make an effort on this date, but also (in the most desperate, hopeful recesses of her mind) wanting to see Ellie’s reaction to her getting dressed up, Aster chose a loose-fitting, cropped tank top and paired it with some white skinny jeans. 

Checking herself out in the full length mirror hung on their door, Aster briefly catches Ellie staring at her reflection. With an overly flirtatious wink that causes Ellie to burn red and quickly turn back to her desk, Aster lets out a short laugh. Smile disappearing rapidly at the reminder that, although Ellie was clearly attracted to her, she would never act on it. She didn’t really want her.

Aster sighs before plastering on a smile, “What’d you think?”

Swallowing, cheeks still tinged pink, “Oh, um, you look nice?”

Always having fun making Ellie nervous in a good way, Aster walks towards her and leans down until they’re almost face to face, “Just nice?”

Eyes drifting down momentarily, nearly choking now, Ellie corrects, “Well, no, I mean yes! But, no? I mean… you look really pretty. Good! Like really good. And pretty!”

False smile giving way to a real one, Aster wraps Ellie into a tight hug. Stepping away after hearing a knock, still gazing at Ellie she walks backwards towards the door. 

Ellie’s silhouette glowing, outlined by the setting sun, Aster pauses. Momentarily entranced by the way she looks, eyes stuck on Ellie’s lips, at her collarbones, at her neck when she takes a deep breath (to bite, kiss, claim; spell out some variation of mine), she shakes herself.

It’d be all too easy to whisper confessions buried in the safety of her arms, but she tells herself it doesn’t mean anything, won’t let herself crave the sound of her voice, refuses to spill more truths than the ones prompted. Still trying to convince herself, she thinks: I only want you for a night, not a lifetime. (What a lie, a bad one at that, think about you so much I can taste the letters on my tongue).

Scoffing at how fast she’d taken that to such an extreme, Aster rolled her eyes. Ellie mattered more to her than everyone and anyone else in her life.

With a stiff smile, Aster opens the door, offering Ellie a soft goodbye on her way out.

Already annoyed with his overall pompousness and narcissism, Aster doesn’t bother to greet him. 

Like the ignorant, unobservant man he is, Trig continues to look smug, even as Aster shrugs off his arm around her shoulders. Obliviously carrying on with talking whilst Aster stares at the cars driving by, he bragged as they reached their destination, “My family’s really good friends with the owner so we can get whatever we want for free.”

Sitting down, barely skimming the menu, knowing she wouldn’t be able to tolerate this all evening, Aster said, “Cool, order me whatever you think I’ll like, but keep the drinks coming.”

Finally picking up on her disinterest, Trig seemed to almost drop his conceited attitude, “Hey, it’s chill if you don’t want to do anything, I’m totally down to just drink.”

“Thank fucking God.”

Commanding the waiter to continuously bring them alcoholic beverages, not being picky about what kind, he nudged her shoulder when an incredibly expensive bottle of whiskey was set down. 

With two shots poured, and two mutually desperate to be intoxicated smiles, they clinked their glasses together. 

Glad she hadn’t had to eat so the alcohol would hit her harder, her irritation loosened with every shot she took, and she’d eventually taken to leaning into him completely. Upon seeing a couple enter the bar, her mind circled back to Ellie, and she waxed poetic, “You know what’s really fucked up? How easily I can find solace in the arms of someone who isn’t home. Do y’know what I mean? Like I don’t even like you and this is nice.”

Nearly falling out of his seat, he sat back up, “I have no idea what you just said, but yeah sure.”

Laughing, they kept drinking until they’d evenly split the entire thing, and stumbled out. Going back on what he’d previously said, Trig pushed her against the outer wall of the building, lips colliding sloppily against hers. 

Indifferent towards the specifics of the action, Aster let him proceed for a few moments before she shifted away from him. With an ache that tasted like sadness and felt like regret, she tried to brush off the unjustified sense of guilt that always bubbled up when she did anything that could be perceived as romantic with anyone other than Ellie. That’s what unrequited love was, she supposed.

Head filled only with thoughts of Ellie, she ran as fast as her drunk legs could carry her back to their dorm. Ignoring Trig’s calls after her, Aster lets him cobble off in the opposite direction.

~-~-~-

In a cruel, almost oxymoronic twist, Ellie herself thinks that, if there’s anything she’s sure of, it’s that it’s easy being friends with Aster. They have a certain brand of closeness that’s different than the one she has with Paul, but just as special. 

On a different note, to be blunt, Aster sleeps around. It’s not like she’s slut-shaming or anything, she’s glad Aster’s being, let’s say pleasured, regularly, but sometimes it’d be nice to not wake up to some stranger very poorly attempting to sneak out. 

On one hand, Ellie’s kind of proud of her roommate’s ability to manage her time so well that she can get laid, at minimum, weekly, while balancing all her studios, classes, studies, and other non-sexual extracurriculars. And it is nice that Aster knows her schedule nice enough so that Ellie never sees Aster and whoever her partner at that moment in the middle of them doing it. 

But, on the other hand, she’d like to not have to routinely try to go back to sleep after opening the door for one-night stands because their door has to be jiggled a certain way to be unlocked. It’s not her fault that she feels like gagging every time she sees naked people scrounging around for their clothes in Aster’s vicinity, she’s just not a morning person. It has nothing to do with the fact that Aster’s her soulmate. Anyone would be bothered by having to wake up early when they don’t have to. 

But, instead of confronting her lovely roommate/soulmate/friend about said annoyance, she chooses to tuck herself under her covers while Aster’s on her date, and FaceTime Paul. 

Despite being in the room alone, she whispers before he can even get a greeting in, “Do you ever feel like there’s a stone in your chest or something? Or maybe a bomb, and it feels all explosive and volatile? Like just something that’ll bubble away at you until there’s nothing left?”

In true Paul-like fashion he responds with a confused, “What?”

“Like something will happen and your chest will ache for no reason?”

Scrunching his nose, “I think that’s called heartburn.”

Making a face back at him, “What? No, no, it’s not a literal pain, well, I mean, it is, but not like that? I don’t know.”

Eyebrows set seriously, “Is it like a tingly pain or like a ‘ow, maybe my organs are failing’ pain? Because, if it’s the second option, I think you should go to a doctor. And maybe go if it’s the first one too, just in case.”

With the same expression of fond exasperation, she said, “No, it’s neither of those. Well, I guess it’s kind of the first one, but not exactly? If I had to describe it, I’d say it’s like a gentle tingle? Like a soft, warm one?”

Relief spreads over his face, “Oh, good, I can’t have you die before you try the new taco sausage recipe your dad and I made.”

Teasing, “Wow, so that’s all you want me for, huh?”

Grinning back at her, “Of course not, it’s just an added bonus.” Then, frowning, “Is it like a physical pain or an emotional one? Because I can never tell with you.”

“Well I don’t know either that’s why I’m asking you! You’re the emotion-y one!”

Smiling dopily, “Thanks! Is this about your pretty roommate though? I know you said she’s been keeping you up all night?”

Blushing at the way he phrased it, “No! Maybe, I don’t know! She’s just so nice, you know? And she’s on a date with this total rich bitch of a man, and she deserves better! And it’s not even about her, well it is, but it’s not! It’s just that you look at him and his eyes are hollow and ugly and his personality is ugly, and then you look at her and her eyes are, like, soft, but piercing at the same time? And her voice and laugh are just so captivating to the point where it feels like it’s physically pulling you in, and…”

Making a face that told her she wouldn’t like what he’s about to say, Paul asks, “Are you jealous?”

Scoffing, “What? Please, c’mon, I mean, no! No, I don’t do jealous. I don’t do feelings, period. There’s no way I’m jealous, please, who’d you think you’re talking to. Ellie Chu doesn’t get jealous. Especially not of their friend who’s on a date with a douchebag, okay?” Sputtering now, “How’d we know you’re not jealous, huh? You said she’s pretty, and she is, but still, maybe you’re the one that’s jealous, hm? Check and mate.”

Looking at her sympathetically, albeit slightly judgmentally, he said, “You know what I meant.”

Defensively, she rants, “Okay, yes, do I sometimes catch myself staring at her? Duh, but only a blind person wouldn’t. And, do I sometimes think about what it’d be like to kiss her? Again, yes, but only because her lips look really soft. And when we’re watching movies together, do I sometimes stay on her bed because I know she’ll cuddle with me in her sleep? Also yes, but keep in mind that I’m extremely touch-starved, okay, so, yeah.”

Too caught up in trying to prove to Paul, but mostly herself, that she didn’t have feelings, Ellie doesn’t hear Aster stumble in until she bumps into a wall and starts giggling. Offering Paul a rushed goodbye, promising to call the next day, she hangs up hurriedly. Tripping on her blankets while getting up, she goes to help Aster. 

Still giggling, clearly intoxicated, sitting slumped against the wall, Aster said, “You don’t have to pretend. I wanna touch you all the time. And I like that you wanna touch me, too.” 

Beaming up at Ellie in that way that only someone under the influence can, Aster continues unprompted, “You’re so pretty.” 

Laughing awkwardly, Ellie attempts to move to help Aster up.

Seeming reluctant to do so, Aster merely lifted a hand to trace along Ellie’s cheek, and stroked a finger down her jaw, “So soft…”

Recognizing that Aster would not be getting up any time soon, Ellie sits down on the floor next to her.

Aster traced her finger back up, tapping her temple, “Smart, too.” 

Joking, “Okay, drunkie, you act like you’re not also all those things.”

Smile fading, “It’s not the same. Your thoughts are just… so full.”

Laughing self-deprecatingly now, “Too full actually.” Walls down, she speaks unguardedly in a way that she wouldn’t have been had she thought Aster would remember their conversation.

“What'd you mean?”

“Sometimes it’s just… overflowing and overpowering, I guess. Like I’m drowning under the weight of… everything.”

Frowning at her love’s sadness, Aster leans towards her, pressing quick little pecks onto Ellie’s face. Smile forming again as she feels her blush, she removes Ellie’s glasses delicately. Seeing her eyes flutter shut, Aster shuffles until she’s straddling her. Never wanting her to feel trapped, even in her inebriated state, she moves slowly, giving her an out. When Ellie gave no indication of feeling panicked, Aster moved closer, cupping her jaw with one hand, the other brushing tenderly across her eyelid. Quietly and with full seriousness, she murmured, “You don’t have to carry the weight of the world, and you are worth so much more and are so much stronger than you think you are, Ellie Chu. And I’ll tell you that every day until you believe me.”

Arms draped around her neck, Aster leaned her forehead on Ellie’s shoulder, nosing her neck. Feeling Ellie place her hands gingerly on her hips, Aster mumbled so quietly that Ellie only heard it because of their close proximity, “No one’s ever touched me like I was fragile before.” 

Humming absently, Aster continued, “I don’t even think I have a soulmate…”

And Ellie’s about to start fucking crying because Aster deserves the entire fucking world, doesn’t know how to adequately explain that there’s nothing wrong with her, that Ellie was the fucked up one, that all Ellie had to offer was her messed up opinions and cynicism, but Aster shook her head slightly, seeming to remember her point. Emphasizing each word with a kiss against Ellie’s skin, Aster stated, “You. Have. Worth.” 

Choked up, voice raspy, Ellie said, “Thank you.”

Frowning, Aster looked up, “You never have to thank me for stating facts.”

Unable to keep from laughing because that was such an Aster thing to say, Ellie’s smile softens at her closeness and the way Aster mirrors her joy. Carefully standing, carrying Aster, she walked them towards her bed, and placed her gently down. After tucking her in, Ellie’s about to step away when Aster grabs her hand, eyes still closed tiredly, “Stay with me.”  


Sitting on the edge of her bed, Ellie runs her free hand through Aster’s hair. Once she was sure she was asleep, she moved away, going to retrieve her glasses from the floor and putting them on her nightstand.

Emotionally exhausted, Ellie collapses back into her own bed, glad that, if anything, at least Aster was safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in total there's going to eventually be at least 12 chapters
> 
> also also idk what it is with me and convos about self-worth which is probably more indicative of my life rather than these characters' but too late what's written is written


	3. III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aster's hungover, they talk about last night, aster panics and lies about not remembering what happened, then ellie panics and leaves to call paul, so aster panics more because she thinks she freaked ellie out with how honest she was while drunk, and ellie panics more and talks to paul about it, so aster also panics more and agrees to hangout with trig because she's lonely and needs friends.
> 
> so basically it's just one long panic-fest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> at this point i've basically given up on even bothering to pretend that i'm going to do my homework and just work on this instead because honestly i'm having a really good time writing the plan
> 
> the actually writing is less fun because writing is hard but still enjoying myself

Used to waking up with the sun at this point, Ellie stiffened as she recalled the previous night’s events. Glancing over at Aster, still curled up beneath her blankets, she softened unconsciously. 

Ever the good friend, Ellie got up quietly and padded over to their shared cabinet, grabbing a bottle of water and some ibuprofen. 

After she set them both on the desk next to Aster’s bed, she shuffled over to her own desk and decided that, because she was already up, she might as well get some work done.

Ellie worked in near-complete silence for hours, only occasionally getting distracted by the sight of an adorably asleep Aster. 

Turning to her completely once she heard her rustling around, a fond smile broke out across Ellie’s face as she went over to offer some assistance. 

First taking the hand that had been groping around on the table and giving it a small squeeze to let Aster know she was going to help her, Ellie released a tight breath, the mere feeling of her hand in hers for the briefest of moments stressing her out.

Not quite knowing why her body was suddenly reacting this way in response to her proximity with someone she’d lived with for months, Ellie chose to shove that thought aside. 

If she never acknowledged that fact that they were soulmates, then she could just pretend she didn’t know and go on with her life. Who needed romantic feelings anyways?

Pouring the recommended dosage into her palm, Ellie dropped the pills into Aster’s, opening the water bottle as Aster took the medication. 

Ellie instinctively swallowed in response to the grateful uptick of Aster’s face, and awkwardly stepped back slightly as Aster sat up halfway to avoid choking. 

With a quick sip of water to wash it down, Aster responded in a pitch lower than her usual manner, “Thanks.”

Uncertainty developing further at the way Ellie’s stomach clenched at the sound of Aster’s just-woke-up voice, her own voice cracked when she said, overly enthusiastically, “Yep! Of course! How are you feeling?”

“I’ve been better. But, then again, I’ve also been worse, so it’s fine.”

“Coolcoolcoolcoolcool, so do you remember what happened last night?”

Aster’s face scrunched up into an expression Ellie didn’t recognize and couldn’t read, saying, “Uh, yeah, sort of? I remember going on a date with Trig, getting fucking wasted, and then coming back here where I’m assuming you took care of me?”

Ellie nodded in confirmation.

Her beautiful smile making a reappearance, Aster said, “Thank you for that too by the way. I appreciate you dealing with me.”

“Yeah, so, um, given how drunk you were yesterday, I’m assuming the date didn’t go well?”

Head tilted as if physically responding to the shift in conversation, Aster corrected, “Actually, it was okay. Trig was pretty nice. And I’m always happy with free alcohol.”

Feeling that irrational burn in her chest yet again, Ellie fumbled with an excuse to leave, “Oh, well, that’s nice. I’m just, I’m going to go get Paul! I mean, I’m going to go get breakfast! And I’m going to call Paul! Because I agreed to call him today! So! Yeah! Yep! Bye!”

Already one foot out the door, phone in hand, Ellie turned back towards Aster and said, “And I’ll get you food, too! Yep! Bye!” leaving a confused Aster in her wake.

~-~-~-

Never wanting to be caught harboring more than platonic feelings for someone she was so close to, Aster refused to allow herself more than a few minutes of admiring Ellie working. The downturn of her eyebrows, the set of her jaw, the way her glasses would occasionally slide down her nose… Aster found it all heart-breakingly precious. 

Groaning and stretching, a hand outstretched, she patted around the surface of her desk, trying to feel for the pills and water. 

Still bundled up in her bed, too tired and too hungover to have heard Ellie approaching, Aster’s chest seized when she felt Ellie hand grip hers. 

Knowing she had to get a hold of herself because, honestly, it’s not like it was the first time they’d ever touched, Aster shifted and tossed her sheets off her torso. With the blanket still providing the lower half of her body with warmth, but that left her face exposed, Aster gave Ellie a crinkly half-smile.

Resisting the urge to pout when Ellie backed away, Aster occupied herself by taking the medication and drinking the water. 

Aster expressed her gratitude and cleared her throat, wrinkling her nose at the tenor her dry throat had taken on.

As soon as Ellie had begun to breach the topic of the previous night, Aster felt herself involuntarily make a face, scrunching up in a specific way she knew she always made when she lied. 

Knowing Ellie wouldn’t know what it meant because she’d never outright lied to her about anything (because feelings didn’t count, she hadn’t lied about them, she just also hadn’t mentioned them), Aster mentally prepared herself for her inevitably balky response.

Anxiety building internally, Aster didn’t notice the strangely distant look Ellie had taken on when she’d responded. 

Stopping before she reached out and held Ellie’s hand as Aster expressed her gratitude, her mind flashing back to the night before, Aster clenched her fists. 

She shouldn’t be having these feelings, these desires. She should’ve been happy with her life. For the first time, she had a life. She didn’t have people constantly looking over her shoulder, judging her. More than all that though, she shouldn’t want so desperately.

Even as her heart tensed up and thudded painfully as Ellie gave a clearly made-up excuse to leave, Aster couldn’t help the indulgently adoring look she gave as Ellie ran into the doorframe, unable to stop herself from liking everything about her, even her clumsiness.

Gone before Aster could even get another word in, Ellie fled the scene. 

With the door slammed shut, trapped alone in the room with a pounding headache, a lingering growling of her stomach that came with needing to throw-up, and her thoughts, Aster flopped back down onto her bed.

Grabbing her pillow and pressing it so it muffled the noise, she screamed in frustration. 

Moving the pillow back under her head, Aster continued to lay back, thinking. 

It was rare that Aster had feelings. Sure, she’d been attracted to a lot of people, but she didn’t fall for them. Ellie was just… different. 

She shouldn’t have been though. She shouldn’t have even been more than a tiny blip on her radar, especially given that they were roommates. She couldn’t have feelings for her roommate! 

They lived together. And if things went badly (which they inevitably would considering how obvious Ellie had just made it with her bumbling that she didn’t reciprocate), then they would either have to keep living together or switch rooms! Both of which were terrible options! 

Internalizing everything was the only viable choice. Anything else could, and would, only end in disaster. After all, it couldn’t be that hard to keep her own heart in check could it? 

There were soulmates out there who kept themselves apart, so there was no way Aster fucking Flores couldn’t control herself around some ridiculous maybe crush. 

And it was just a crush. Anything deeper was unacceptable. 

No more clowning! A crush is a crush, and simping is only permitted when the affection is returned equally, or when people are soulmates. So, with that logic, it’s illegal for her to simp. 

Sitting up, satisfied with the lecture she’d given herself and the argument her own brain presented, Aster gave herself three seconds to bask in the sadness of the confirmation of Ellie’s unmistakable lack of feelings. 

Going to shower to rinse off the past day’s misery, Aster let the slightest bit of hope involving the situation leak out, hoping that Ellie would at least be back by the time she finished getting cleaned up.

~-~-~-

Out in the hallway, Ellie called the first number she had on speed dial. 

Answering during the last few rings, Ellie already speed-walking off in the direction of the Met, Paul said cheerily, “Hey, what’s up? You usually never call me this early, even though I know you don’t have class, you’re still usually working.”

Lips pursed, vaguely agitated, “I mean, do I need a reason to call? It’s not like I didn’t agree to do so yesterday.”

Concerned, “Of course not! I love talking to you! It’s just not like you to let anything distract you until you’ve finished what you have to do for the day.”

“Yeah, I guess, but spring break is coming up, and I’ve already completed all my semester projects, plus I had to get out of my room for a bit, so I thought I’d talk to you while I did.” 

Approaching the dining hall, Ellie opened the door with her phone pressed between her ear and shoulder. Ellie held out her student ID for the attendant to scan, and smiled politely when he waved her in. 

Stuffing her wallet back into jeans, she repositioned her phone with her hand, walking over to the arrangement of pastries and took a take-out box. 

Neatly placing several muffins in, she topped it off with a slice of plain toasted bread, assuming that Aster wouldn’t want anything too heavy. 

Resisting the urge to text Aster despite having seen her only a few minutes prior, Ellie huffed at herself. Sealing and shoving the box into her hoodie pocket, she went over to the cereal bar and one-handedly poured some into a cup. 

Tired of her own thoughts, Ellie broke their short, companionable silence. Already knowing Paul would never pass up a chance to talk about it, she asked, “How’s the sausage-making going?” 

Humming in agreement whenever Paul enthusiastically proposed a new idea or raved about a successful attempt, Ellie wandered, slower this time, back to her room. 

Lost in thought, paying less attention than she should have, Ellie interrupts Paul’s latest proposition on a different take of the family recipe, “How’d you know if you have a crush on someone?”

Practically able to hear his head tilt, face filled with earnest curiosity, “Oh, I guess it’s just one of those things that you just know, you know.”

“No! It’s not! That’s why I’m asking!”

Mental gears turning, “I don’t know, I guess when you can’t stop thinking about the person? And you want to be around them all the time, so you purposely seek them and try to impress them. Stuff like that.”

“But that could be a friend thing, too,” Ellie pointed out, “Like that’s how you acted around me when we first met.”

Paul laughed, “Yeah, and I had a crush on you.”

Frowning, “Why though? It’s not like I had anything to offer. Other than a good grade on an essay, I guess.”

“Yeah you did, you were smart and pretty and nice. Why wouldn’t I have liked you?”

“Oh… But those are such minimal requirements. I’m sure there were tons of people at our school that were like that.”

“Maybe, but they weren’t you. And we’re best friends now! So it all worked out!”

“Yeah… I guess that’s true,” Ellie mused, arriving at her door. 

Unlocking it, her eyes instinctively scanned the room, confused as to where Aster was.

“Why’d you wanna know though? Have you met someone? Who’d you meet? Is he cute? Is she cute? Are they nice?” His voice escalated in pitch with each sentence. 

Ellie set her food on her desk, and set Aster’s on hers. 

Wondering where she went, Ellie checked her messages, expression morphing into one of displeasure when she realized Aster went to spend time with Trig.

“Hello? Helllloooooo? Ellie. Ellie. Ellie. Ellie. Are you still there? Hello?”

Shaking herself out of it, Ellie replied, “Yeah, yeah, I’m still here. And, no, I didn’t meet anyone, I don’t have time to meet people, I’m busy with classes.”

“You met Aster,” Paul pointed out.

Ellie brushed it off, “That doesn’t count, I didn’t have a choice, we’re roommates.”

Teasing in a sing-songy way, “If you say so.”

Still staring at Aster’s text, Ellie typed, deleted, and re-typed several messages in response. 

Feeling stupid with how deeply she’d been contemplating her response, Ellie sent out a quick ‘okay!’ before she could overthink it. 

Ellie slapped herself on the forehead, and muttered, “Fuck! I’m so stupid.”

“What?”

“Nothing! It’s nothing. I just got back to my room, and remembered I had something else I needed to do, so I’m going to go.”

Not believing her, Paul hummed and said, “Okay, I’ll see you in a couple days. Bye, I love you.”

Never failing to make her smile, even with her swirling mind, Ellie said, “Bye, I love you, too.”

Always in the habit of using work to distract herself, Ellie proceeded to do so until she realized it had gotten dark.

Making a face at the thought of how unhappy Paul would be if he’d found out she’d forgotten to eat again, she prepared for bed, and refused to acknowledge her disappointment at how Aster was still gone.

When she was on the precipice of falling into a dreamless state, she heard someone come in, recognizing her footsteps.

Despite the fact that Aster hadn’t brought anyone back, Ellie faked being asleep, feeling Aster’s gaze on her, but still not in the mood to talk. 

She continued to lay like that, smelling and hearing Aster approach. Heart beating up her throat, Ellie forced herself not to move as she felt a warmth on her forehead. Stepping back, Aster finally sighed, went through her own nightly routine, and got into bed.

But it wasn’t until Ellie heard Aster’s breathing even out that she could finally string a coherent thought together.  
Even so, all that she came up with was: what the fuck!

~-~-~-

With Ellie still not back after Aster had finished her shower, she resigned herself to not being sad all day. 

Checking her phone, Aster was somewhat surprised to see several apology texts from Trig. Apologizing for his behavior during their last encounter and making her uncomfortable, he followed up by saying that if she ever needed or wanted to talk she could talk to him. His most recent message simply asked if she wanted to eat at Carr Haus for breakfast with him.

Shocking even herself, Aster agreed.

Aster changed her clothes, putting on her signature jean jacket. Making sure she had her phone, wallet, and keys with her before she left, she locked the door and sent Ellie a short message explaining her whereabouts so she wouldn’t worry.

Instantly spotting Trig sitting in the front corner window, she sat down across from him, not bothering with formalities, “You know, personally I prefer Portfolio, but it’s nice here, too.”

His dimples almost seemed to become more prominent and he smiled and blushed at the same time. Trig cleared his throat and said, “Well, in the interest of full disclosure, I only come here regularly for a specific reason.”

Eyebrows quirked, intrigued, “And that reason would be…?”

Trig held his hands out in a placating gesture, “First, I’d like to say I’m sorry again for kissing you yesterday without your consent, it wasn’t cool of me, and it won’t happen again.”

“Thank you, I appreciate your apology.”

Rubbing his face, “You shouldn’t have to thank me for apologizing, which makes me want to apologize more, but so, I don’t know, there’s this girl…” he trailed off.

“Continue.”

Trig sighed, “There’s this girl,” he pointed towards the cashier, “That girl, actually. Her name’s Rebecca, and, I don’t know, I guess a part of me was hoping that if I kissed some other pretty girl my feelings for her would go away. But they didn’t and I still can’t stop thinking about her.”

Aster tilted her head thoughtfully. 

Trig switched subjects, gaining back some of his usual cockiness, “What about you though? I’m assuming you have someone in your life that’s like that for you considering how badly you didn’t want to kiss someone as hot as me?”

Seeming to recognize that this was one of Trig deflection tactics, Aster didn’t bother wasting any anger on him. Aster rolled her eyes and decided to be honest with him in exchange, “Yeah, I guess I do.”

Interest piqued, glad that the focus wasn’t on him anymore, “Care to tell me who the lucky guy is?”

“Girl, actually,” Aster said, and countered, “And I’ll tell you more about her if you do the same.”

Reluctant and excited at the same time, Trig said, “Sometimes I think we’re soulmates, but then I’m too scared to deliberately do anything that would prove it because it’s like what if I’m wrong? What if it’s all in my head?”

“Yeah… I don’t know, like all relationships, I think it’s just one of those things that’s complicated.”

“I feel that.” He paused for a second, “So tell me about this girl.”

Aster sighed, half frustrated, half lovestruck, “I don’t know. We’re not really… anything, I guess. We’re friends. Roommates. Nothing more. But she’s so beautiful. And smart. And it’s like she doesn’t even realize it, but I don’t know to explain that I-” 

Cut off as Rebecca brought over two mugs of hot cocoa, seeming slightly upset when she placed them down, she said in a tone bordering on sarcastic, “Enjoy your drinks.”

Despite how short the encounter was, Trig had a glazed over look in his eyes, looking thoroughly infatuated. His expression quickly morphed into one of sadness though, and said, “Did she seem mad? Why was she mad at me? Did I do something wrong? Do I look bad right now? No, I never look bad. What’s wrong?”

Internally banging her head on the table in frustration, “She thinks this is a date, you heathen.”

“Oh shit.”

“Yeah.”

Uncertain, “Should I… Should I go talk to her?”

In the middle of taking a sip of her drink, Aster just gave him a look that clearly implied that he should.

“Right, right, yeah, just wait here, I already paid, but I’ll be back.”

Nodding, Aster sat and looked out the window, periodically drinking small mouthfuls of the hot cocoa.

Several minutes later, Trig returned. A somehow equally dopey and narcissistic grin on his face, he said, “Okay, we’re all good. I know you like art, so do you want to go to Art Haus with me? We can talk more on the way.”

Because he seemed so genuinely hopeful, Aster found herself agreeing yet again.

With another surprise, Aster discovered that they had more in common than she’d previously assumed. 

Trig may seem like a complete idiot, but he was knowledgeable about business and economics.

More than that though, they shared an understanding on what it was like to have parents who loved them, but that still didn’t understand or know anything about them. 

By the time she’d realized what time it was, it was late enough that drinking wouldn’t have been frowned upon. 

Seeming to have the same train of thought, they left, going to the nearest convenience store. 

Six-pack in hand, they drank, stopping at a random bench on the outskirts of a grassy field. 

“This is starting to become a habit, isn’t it?” Trig joked.

“Drinking buddies!” 

Clinking their bottles together, they sat in silence until the sun set before parting ways.

Not drunk but not sober, Aster walked back to her room. 

Inside, she stops in the doorway momentarily, enjoying the way the soft glow of the hallway illuminated Ellie’s blanket-covered body.

Aster could tell Ellie was faking sleep. In the least creepy way possible, Aster had watched Ellie sleep enough times to know when she was asleep for real.

Blaming her tipsy state as an excuse for how long she stared, Aster walked over to Ellie’s bed. Unable to resist pressing a soft kiss into her forehead, Aster inhaled softly.

There had already been skin to lips contact that there probably shouldn’t have been, but, with that having already happened, it’s not like it could get any worse, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know i basically don't reply to comments because i either forget or feel like it sounds insincere if i just reply with "thank you!" but i'd just like you all to know that i very much appreciate the validation. 
> 
> also to the comment that said something along the lines of "it'd be really funny if aster and trig became drinking buddies" i literally can't stop thinking about that now 
> 
> also also i know all the info about grinnell (like the name of the dining hall and the general location of literally anything) is wrong because it corresponds to that of risd because even though i tried googling the map of grinnell i could not get into researching it and the only colleges that i have a clear idea of what the campus looks like are cal arts and risd but i know more about risd so the stuff about the dining hall is accurate
> 
> and by that i mean the met is the largest dining hall (unrelated note: they have the best fucking soda machine there) and carr haus is like this super cute coffee-shop type place and is different from the other places to eat on campus because it's run by students and you have to actually sit and order your food there and art haus is near there
> 
> and portfolio is really close to the library so i feel like it would be aster's favorite place on campus because it's food and books in close proximity
> 
> AND IN THE MIDDLE OF THAT THOUGHT PROCESS I FEEL LIKE IT'D BE SO CUTE IF ELLIE WENT TO BROWN AND ASTER WENT TO RISD AND THEY MET ON THEIR WAY TO CLASS AND THEN WHEN THEY'RE SOPHOMORES AND LIVE OFF CAMPUS THEY'D ROOM TOGETHER FUCK 
> 
> OR IF THEY BOTH WENT TO RISD AND ELLIE MAJORED IN ARCHITECTURE AND ASTER MAJORED IN ILLUSTRATION
> 
> but that's not important and i can't start writing another fic when i've barely started this one so yeah
> 
> also also also i just re-read most wanted by agentskyemorse so the forehead kiss is inspired by that


	4. IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ellie packs, aster panics, ellie invites her back to squahamish with her for break, the train ride there, and their arrival.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm realizing that i'm really bad at focusing on multiple large tasks (homework is different because it's more like many small tasks) because i'll either bake a shit ton every day or i'll work on a major art project and now i'm working on this but i won't be working on them all at the same time which is really bad because i really really need to be working on portfolio shit but i can't get my brain in it so now here i am working on this again instead

Aster knew Ellie was terrible at keeping her emotions in check. 

And she didn’t blame her. 

She just had the type of face that expressed everything she was feeling in real time.

So, when Aster woke up and Ellie was packing and only stopped for a second to give her this unreadable look, Aster knew she was fucked.

In contrast, Aster was fucking amazing at hiding her emotions.

An entire lifetime of pretending, and hiding, would do that to a person.

So, when she blurted out, “I’m sorry, please don’t leave,” she really really knew she was fucked.

Ellie seemed surprised, blinking a few times. She replied, “Uh, I kinda have to go home for break.”

Embarrassed for assuming it was about her, but also relieved that it wasn’t, Aster said, “Oh, okay, yeah, cool.”

Ellie resumed neatly folding her clothes, back facing Aster when she asked, “So what are you going to do? Planning on going home?”

Aster couldn’t help the snort that escaped. “Yeah, no, I’m not ever going back unless I absolutely have to.”

She hadn’t really thought about what her plans would be though, so Aster said, “I’ll probably just end up staying at school.”

Ellie stayed silent for a moment, then said, “Or you could come back with me?”

Shocked, especially given the last few days, Aster didn’t respond.

Nervously adjusting her glasses, Ellie faced Aster again, “I mean obviously you don’t have to if you don’t want to, but, like, I don’t know, I just thought you might want to?”

Sitting up, legs crossed, equally as nervous, Aster ran her fingers through her hair.

Carefully, Aster said, “I don’t want to intrude.”

“You wouldn’t be intruding! I want you to come, really. Plus, Paul would love to have another person to test his recipes one.”

“If you’re sure.” 

“I am.”

They stayed like that, smiling at each other until Aster cleared her throat and stood up, “Guess I better start packing then.”

“Right! Yep! And I should finish up,” Ellie said awkwardly, turning back to her clothes.

Unable to stop another small, affectionate smile creep up her face, Aster said softly, “Yeah.”

~-~-~-

Ellie was really bad at controlling her emotions. Like really bad. Like ‘having nothing to hide for eighteen years and then suddenly having something that crucially needed to be kept secret’ level of bad.

So, again, as always, she chose to occupy herself as a form of avoidance, and, in this case, started packing to keep from thinking. 

She would’ve had to start packing at some point anyways, she reasoned.

But, when Aster woke up, apologizing and pleading with her in the most devastated tone, Ellie couldn’t help but offer to let her go home with her.

Although it probably would’ve been smarter of Ellie to put some distance between herself and the maybe object of her affections, especially so she could straighten her own brain out, around Aster, Ellie stopped taking every angle into consideration. 

The primary angle in this case being the fact that having the person Ellie needed space from for a while living and spending time with basically only her in her childhood home during a period of time when she was supposed to be hundreds of miles away from anyone who even knew Aster, was, objectively, not her smartest idea.

While it wasn’t like Ellie didn’t already live with Aster, they had mostly different schedules. They may share a room, but that didn’t mean they saw each other regularly.

In contrast, with Aster in her hometown, they’d be stuck together almost constantly. 

Sure, Ellie wouldn’t be surprised if people flirted and propositioned Aster on the train, or at the train station, or wherever they went, but that wasn’t new. Strangers always gravitated towards Aster. And Ellie couldn’t blame them. She did too. 

However, Ellie had almost never seen it in person before. And, in light of the way her body had begun to physically respond to Aster’s presence, she was dreading spending every second with her.

But, with Aster looking at her like she was her lifeline, she couldn’t possibly rescind her invitation.

So, with a single vaguely awkward conversation, Ellie began her journey back to Squahamish, preparing for her inevitable, self-inflicted demise. 

~-~-~

On the train ride there, the instant they’d settled into their seats, before the train had even begun to move, Aster laid her head on Ellie’s shoulder. While Aster fully intended to sleep for the entire duration of the trip, she could feel how tense Ellie was. 

“You’ve only got a few seconds to change your mind, so, if you want to, better tell me soon.”

“What?”

Aster sat up straight, “I can feel how on edge you are.”

“It’s not because of you though,” Ellie assured, “I’m just tired.”

Aster snuggled back in, loving every second of having Ellie close to her, “Better get comfy then, because we’ll be here a while.”

By the time Ellie could muster a response, Aster had already fallen asleep. Tucking a strand of Aster’s hair that had fallen out of her bun behind her ear, Ellie could feel her stomach drop at how warm she felt on the inside.

“You guys are cute,” an old woman said as she passed by.

“Oh, um, thank you?” Ellie said awkwardly, phrasing it more like a question than a statement. 

The woman smiled kindly back in response, continuing on her way.

Unable to relax enough to lose consciousness, Ellie, despite preferring paper over digital, pulled out her phone so she could read using one hand, unwilling to pull her arm from Aster’s grasp.

Unfortunately, Ellie wasn’t given the opportunity to read long enough to get into a thoroughly focused zone. 

Across the aisle, Ellie felt a gaggle of boys around their age, probably also heading home, staring.

More specifically though, they were staring at Aster. 

It wasn’t as though it was their fault for finding her attractive. Ellie would honestly be more concerned if they didn’t. But, at that moment, she was especially not in the mood for terrible flirting.

Feeling vaguely defensive, Ellie edged noticeably closer to Aster, intertwining their fingers. Even unconscious, Aster seemed to appreciate this, nestling further into Ellie’s embrace.

When that slight show of possessiveness didn’t deter them, she did what any reasonable person would. She glared. She maintained eye contact with such open, unbridled anger until they’d all eventually looked away, looking decently abashed.

Then, Ellie continued reading, satisfied that that would be the last time she’d have to interact with anyone.

~-~-~-

Once they’d neared Squahamish, Ellie gently nudged Aster awake.

Whining low in her throat at having been forced up, Aster looked up blearily. Immediately blinded by the sun streaming in through the windows, trees rushing past, Aster groaned. She buried her face back into the crook of Ellie's neck, pressing a quick, and hopefully barely noticeable, kiss there.

As the train slowed to a stop, they stood. Grabbing their respective bags, hands still interlocked, Aster continued to lean against Ellie as they walked down the platform. 

Easily spotting Paul and her dad in the mostly empty train station, Ellie braced herself as Paul came bounding over.

Barely resisting lifting them both up into a hug, Paul wrapped them tightly in his arms. Excited grin firmly in place, Paul stepped back and said, “I'm so glad Ellie's finally found someone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay i know i said this last time but like even though i generally don't respond to comments i do really really really really really really really really really really appreciate them so thank you for commenting :))
> 
> also i think i only put this in like the main end notes because i didn't realize it wouldn't just appear if someone was looking at only one chapter but like if you want please come talk to me on tumblr @gayanalysis or on twitter @gaydepresso


	5. V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> paul assumes ellie and aster are dating, ellie asks aster to just go with it, they all watch a movie together, and aster has Thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just as a warning: i've only ever been in love once and i haven't had feelings for anyone in a really long time so it was kinda hard for me to draw on those feelings so if the memory of that yearning didn't translate well into writing then sorry
> 
> also i don't how people can write like these extremely long chapters because honestly me writing a thousand words is already a struggle so also sorry that my chapters are always so short

Jaw literally dropping, Ellie said, shocked, “What?”

Confused, Paul mirrored her question, “What?”

Still sleepily resting on Ellie, Aster followed with her own, “What?”

Assuming it was just Paul being Paul, Ellie brushed it off. Ellie knew Aster wouldn’t get it though, so she rubbed her thumb across Aster’s knuckles and clarified out loud, “It’s nothing.”

With a drowsy, polite smile, Aster held out her free hand, “I’m Aster. Flores.”

Bouncing with obvious delight, Paul said, “I know! You’re the roommate! And girlfriend!”

Shocked, Ellie could only repeat herself, “What?”

Still cluelessly eager, “Yeah!” 

To Aster he said, quasi-conspiratorial with a lengthy blink like an attempted wink, “I think she was trying to hide it from me, but it’s okay, I could tell.” 

Fully awake now, Aster said, perking up visibly, “Do go on.”

“Ellie talks about you all the time! This one time she was talking about how-”

“Okay!” Ellie cut off, “How about we go inside now?”

As happy as it made Ellie that her best friend and soulmate were getting along, the fact that nobody but her actually knew about the whole soulmate thing was complicated.

Ellie’s dad looked on, amused. Seeing the downturn of Ellie’s brow, he spoke up, “Yes, Paul, why don’t we help them with their bags?”

Paul pouted, clearly wanting to go on. “Okay.”

Despite Ellie’s dad’s words, Paul took both the bags, trailing behind him back up the house.

Turning back momentarily, Paul said directly at Aster, “Don’t worry, I’ll tell you about it later.”

About to follow them, Ellie pulled Aster back.

When Ellie didn’t speak, simply staring at their joined hands, Aster joked, “So... girlfriend, huh?”

Pink crawling up her cheeks, eyes darting up to meet hers, Ellie said, “I promise I never said that! He just drew his own conclusions!”

Looking strangely disappointed, Aster said, “Right, okay… So, do you want me to go correct him?”

“No!” Ellie said, just a little too fast. “I mean, he’s going to think what he’s going to think, and there’s nothing either of us could say to make him think otherwise, so, um, can you just, like, go with it?”

“Yeah, of course,” Aster said easily. 

“Wait, really? Because I don’t want to force you to do anything you’re not comfortable with,” Ellie said skeptically.

Aster took Ellie’s other hand, making sure they were facing each other completely, eyes meeting, “Yes, I’m sure, I promise I wouldn’t have agreed if I wasn’t. And if I ever feel uncomfortable I’ll tell you.”

“So…” Aster said, sounding awkward for the first time in her life, “What about boundaries?”

“What’d you mean?”

“I mean, you’re generally not very touchy with people,” Aster pointed out, “So how much is couplelike enough to be believable?”

“Oh, I mean I don’t mind touching you, so I guess I’m comfortable with whatever you’re comfortable with?” 

“Right… I’m usually pretty handsy with the people I’m seeing, so are you sure you’re okay with that.”

“Sure,” Ellie said, avoiding eye contact again, “What about, uh,” Ellie coughed, “...kissing?”

Aster shrugged, “If it feels right, it feels right. I’m cool with anything, so if you’re open to it then we can.”

“Okay,” Ellie agreed, “As long as it doesn’t start to get in the way.”

“Okay.”

“Okay,” Ellie said again, “If you’re sure.”

“That’s what friends are for, right?”

Ellie frowned, unsure why that sat so poorly with her, “Right…”

~-~-~-

Aster almost started laughing hysterically when Ellie proposed that she was comfortable with whatever Aster was okay with. Because she would honestly let Ellie touch any part of her, so, technically it was her game.

But, choosing not to read into what looked like disappointment in Ellie’s expression, Aster tried to mentally cut her emotions off.

It wouldn’t do anyone any good if she let her feelings progress.

Aster knew that there was nothing Ellie could ever do that would make her not want her. And, with that in mind, she knew that agreeing to pretend to date Ellie, even with that level of intimacy being fake, was a terrible idea. But, around Ellie, Aster could never help herself.

And, apparently unable to stop herself from digging the metaphorical knife in deeper, Aster just had to go even further.

As they approached the house, Aster argued with herself internally. 

They were too different, they wouldn’t be able to sell it as a real couple. 

Then, if she was already given this chance to pretend to be in love with Ellie, maybe it’d stop her from actually doing so.

Then again, spending all her time with Ellie sounded like the opposite of a problem to Aster.

Then again again, spending all her time with Ellie and doing romantic things with her was probably a good way to speed up the process of her own heartbreak.

But, before Aster can give in to the stupid, mushy part of herself, Paul said, “Hey, I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable earlier, it wasn’t my intention.” He paused, thinking hard, “I’m just really, really glad you’re here for Ellie.”

Charmed by his thoughtfulness, able to relate to just how clearly he cared about Ellie, Aster smiled comfortingly. “It’s all good,” Aster said.

Dopey grin coming back full force, Paul said, “Okay, cool, I just wanted to make sure, because, you know, the people that matter to Ellie matter to me.”

And if Aster hadn’t already been completely endeared with Paul, that sentence certainly did it. 

“Yeah,” Aster agreed aloud, staring off at Ellie with her single-cuffed jean leg talking to her dad, “I totally get that.”

~-~-~-

Before they’d even arrived, Paul had set up movies for them to watch, wanting the first thing they all did together to be something he knew for sure they would all enjoy. 

Instinctively arranging themselves so Aster and Ellie would be on the couch, Paul on the floor, and Ellie’s dad on the recliner, Ellie and Aster made eye-contact, silently arguing about who’d be the big spoon.

Aster eventually won, and Ellie huffed, settling into her. With a glimpse of Aster’s smug smile, Ellie rolled her eyes, but wiggled back so Aster could comfortably place her chin on her shoulder anyways.

When Paul looked up at them with his signature enthusiastically hopeful smile, Ellie ruffled his hair before moving her hand back to Aster’s.

Somehow, Paul grinned even wider as his eyes tracked the motion.

Holding herself back from rolling her eyes again for the second time in the span of minutes, Ellie shot him an annoyed yet fond smile back.

Having made sure everyone was comfortable, Paul pressed play.

Recognizing the movie as soon as the characters appeared on the screen, Ellie scoffed, “Imagine Me & You, really?”

“It’s a classic,” Aster defended, pleased with Paul’s choice.

“Look,” Ellie said as though it was a foregone conclusion, “If she wasn’t in love with him, then why did she even agree to marry him? It’s stupid.”

“I thought you’d appreciate it,” Paul said, a woeful expression firmly in place.

“It’s okay Paul, ignore Mrs. Grumpypants here,” Aster said, kissing Ellie on the cheek as though to soothe the insult, pleased that Ellie didn’t flinch at all in spite of the lack of warning.

Ellie was about to open her mouth again, but was cut off by Aster, “I, for one, appreciate it.”

Happy again, Paul said, “Thanks! I drove to a town a couple hours away so we could watch it together! I special ordered it!”

Appreciating the effort, not quite knowing how to show it, Ellie patted him on the head.

Aster went back to the original point, “Anyways, the movie’s really cute, basically she loves her but she wants her to be happy even if it’s not with her.”

“Shh!” Paul exclaimed, “No spoilers!”

Hating how much she related to what she’d said, Aster was glad Paul interrupted before she could fully process it.

Aster had watched all the classic lesbian movies more time than she could count, she chose to focus on Ellie. Which, again, was probably a terrible idea, but she guessed she just loved to suffer.

Ellie hadn’t slept in at least twenty-four hours, but definitely hadn’t slept well in a week. Even with the bags under her eyes though, she still looked devastatingly beautiful. Like a goddess that chose to wrap herself in a nerdy little package. 

With Ellie’s hair neatly tied back, glasses askew, and tank top, she embodied the sexy librarian look very well. Savoring their closeness, body almost humming with every part of their bodies touching, Aster brushed her hands through Ellie’s hair.

Aster removed Ellie’s hair tie, running her hand down her back. 

Ignoring Ellie’s slouching exhale and mimicking of a moody teenager, Aster continues her exploration.

Miles of empty skin exposed, Aster tip-toed with her fingers, the tension of an almost touch. 

And she’s struck by a fatalistic sense of dread. Because Ellie could ruin her so easily. And she doesn't even know it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'd just like you all to know that it's 1:46am right now and i wrote this instead of doing my english homework so yeah 
> 
> no regrets though so yeet
> 
> and as always talk to me on tumblr @gayanalysis or on twitter @gaydepresso


	6. VI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aster sleeping (again) and ellie and aster cuddling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter's pretty short. like short even compared to my previous chapters, but the next one's definitely going to be longer because the plan for it is longer. i guess this chapter is kinda just setting the scene? idk but the point is it's short so sorry

Jumping at the sound of a shutter clicking, Ellie looks around quickly, dazed at having been woken up so suddenly.

Upon spotting the guilty party, phone still poised in his hand, Paul mouthed, “Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Ellie said, rubbing her eyes, Aster’s arms still around her waist. 

With Aster still fast asleep, Ellie said quietly but threateningly, “Delete that right now or they will never find your body.”

Paul was slightly terrified. “Okay, wait, first,” he flipped his phone to show her the picture, “Look how cute you guys are!” he gushed.

Ellie pursed her lips. “Fine, but send it to me first.”

Her phone dinged and she winced, making sure it hadn’t woken Aster.

Grabbing her phone and putting it on silent, Ellie stared at the picture a while longer. They looked… peaceful almost. Calm. Which isn’t an emotion Ellie typically felt. Maybe that was just something Aster brought out in her. The good instead of the angry.

As usual, Aster looked perfect. Even asleep, she held this serene brand of beauty. Her gorgeousness surpassed consciousness.

Her curls were less than perfect, but, instead of looking like she hadn’t showered in days, Aster looked hot in a messily tousled way.

In contrast, Ellie, whose hair was also undone, looked as though a rat had taken residence amongst the strands with how many tangles there were.

Granted, Paul wasn’t lying when he said they looked cute.

But, Aster was cute enough for the both of them. Her cuteness cancelled out Ellie’s not cuteness, Ellie supposed.

Growing more and more uncomfortable as she stared at the picture, even Aster’s general attractiveness being unable to distract Ellie from how raggedy she looked in comparison, Ellie felt compelled to attempt to fix her hair. 

Trying to allow Aster to sleep as long as she could, Ellie leaned far enough away that she could tie her hair up in a messy bun. Despite knowing Aster had slept more than the recommended hours, Ellie also knew Aster deserved it. They were on break, at least one of them should get to sleep.

Apparently the space between their bodies was enough to wake Aster up though because she mumbled something Ellie couldn’t completely make out, complaining about the lack of warmth, pulling Ellie’s body back. 

Chest to her back, hip to hip, thighs intertwined, Ellie’s face automatically flushed. 

Seeing what Ellie had been looking at where Ellie had placed her phone on the side, Aster said, muffled by Ellie’s shoulder, “Send that to me.”

With that, Aster fell back into unconsciousness with an impressive level of speed.

Without even a chance to respond before Aster was already gone to the world, Ellie sent it without saying anything. 

Unable to keep herself from looking at it while it was still open on her phone, she looked at them together. The infinite differences between them translated well through images, the stillness encapsulating everything Ellie didn’t want to think about.

Aster was pretty in a traditional way. Symmetrical features, sharp cheekbones, full lips… she was practically a modern day goddess. There wasn’t a single flaw about her. 

And, Ellie, on a good day, was cute at best. Cute like a puppy or small child with her baby face and round glasses, she couldn’t compare to Aster.

Sure, they both loved books and were on the same level intellectually, but Aster was… good. Honestly, there were probably other words that more adequately captured that about her, but none were as all-encompassing. 

Aster was good and pure and everything right about the world, and Ellie… wasn’t. She was closed off and bitter and… Aster was so much better than her. Better off without her.  
Aster may not think she had a soulmate, but she would get over it. There was nothing wrong with her, and everything wrong with Ellie. She could have anyone she wanted, so why would she want Ellie? 

Why would she want some nothing girl from nowhere?

Realizing where she’d been going with that, Ellie reconsidered and rerouted her train of thought. 

Technically, Ellie acknowledged, nothing she’d been thinking about was a very straight girl thing to think.

Considering her options, Ellie guessed that she was a lesbian. 

Well, technically she’d never felt the way she did with anyone but Aster. Not with any boy or girl. So, if she was gay, she was only really gay for Aster. And basically eh about anyone else. 

Too tired to fully process anything, Ellie couldn’t even sleep because of how restless Aster made her.

The way Aster made her feel was a lot like that one time Paul accidentally gave her Red Bull instead of Nyquil when she was sick. Congested in an emotional way, shaky in a physical way.

It was weird not being able to talk to Paul about something. She’d never hid anything from him before, never really needed too. But, now, because she’d gotten Aster to agree with this half-cocked idea, she couldn’t talk it out with him. She couldn’t tell him about how she felt because he thought all her emotions had already all been laid out.

If anything, at least Paul accepted her. He may know, but not really know, about how she felt about Aster, or the true nature of their dynamic, but at least her sexuality didn’t change his attitude.

He was the one constant in her life. He grounded her when she had nothing. And Ellie had never appreciated him more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always (if you want) come talk to me on tumblr @gayanalysis or on twitter @gaydepresso :)


	7. VII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ellie shows aster how the trains work, ellie spends time with her dad while paul hangs out with aster, and aster comes to a realization

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this ended up not being nearly as long as i thought it would be but still

When Aster finally decided it was time to get up, she had already slept well past twelve hours. 

Surprised to find that Ellie was still in her arms, especially for that length of time, Aster peered over to see what she was doing. 

One hand on top of the one Aster had around her waist, and the other with her phone, Ellie, noticing Aster was thoroughly awake, turned in her arms so they were facing each other. 

For a moment, all they did was stare.

Blinking herself out of it, Aster stood up, stumbling. “Holy shit, both my legs and my arm are asleep.”

One eyebrow raised, Ellie said, “Yeah, that tends to happen when you sleep for sixteen consecutive hours while spooning someone.”

Aster pouted at the mocking tone, “Why didn’t you wake me up?”

Ellie shrugged, “You looked like you needed the sleep.”

Aster snorted, “Thanks.”

Ellie blushed furiously at that, “No! I mean, you don’t- ugh, nevermind.”

Laughing, Aster said, “Yeah, okay, I’m going to go brush my teeth, but when I get back you’re showing me all the cool train stuff.”

Ellie waved her off, “Yeah, yeah.”

~-~-~-

“I used to direct the trains manually, but, since I left, my dad’s started using the automated one,” Ellie explained.

“That sounds so fun,” Aster said, not the slightest bit sarcastic.

“Yeah,” Ellie said, “Waking up to direct trains at 6:40am is so fun.”

“I’m serious!” Aster says enthusiastically, “It’s like a tiny part of the world only you could control.”

“Yeah, and now a machine’s replaced me. Woe is the state of the modern world.”

Completely serious, Aster said, “Trust me, no one could ever replace you.”

Taking great joy in the way Ellie hid in the box at her words, Aster’s smile didn’t fade an inch when Paul came out of the main building, clearly intending to talk to them.

“Hey guys,” Paul said, jogging up to them. Frowning, “Or gals I guess?”

When Paul continued to look pensive for several long seconds, Aster said, pushing him to keep going, “Yes?” 

“Oh, right,” Paul said as if remembering his point, “I was just wondering if you wanted to spend the day with me? So we could, you know, talk.” 

If the very not discrete emphasis on ‘talk’ didn’t tip Aster off, the way he then proceeded to turn to Ellie and ask, “If that’s okay with you?” definitely did.

Ellie got out of the booth, “Yeah, sure, I’ll just hangout with my dad.”

“You sure?” Aster asked, knowing that hadn’t really agreed on a story.

“Yeah, I’m sure,” Ellie said dismissively, “Go have fun.”

“If you’re sure.”

“Yeah, I am.”

As always, excited, Paul said, “Cool! Let’s go get milkshakes!”

And, as Aster followed Paul to his truck, laughing, despite knowing neither of them would ever betray her or their pretend relationship, Ellie couldn’t help but feel an inkling of what she would almost label jealousy.

~-~-~-

Going up to the house to find her dad, Ellie found him making dumplings in the kitchen. 

She joked, “Paul’s going to be sad you’re doing this without him.”

“I do this with him every day. He will be fine.”

As he finished up, Ellie asked, “Do you want to come help me fix my bike?”

“Yes, Paul wanted to maintain it for you, but I told him you would want to do it yourself.”

“Yeah, I do.”

Down in the basement, they pumped air back into the tires, and cleaned the dust off. Disrupting the silence they’d worked up, Ellie asked, “Are you happy?”

Her dad blinked, surprised, “Yes, I think I am. I have you. And Paul. And you are both so grown-up. Such good people.” He paused, “Are you happy?”

Ellie looked away and went back to focusing on the bike, “I don’t know.”

Working herself back into the quietude, she didn’t even notice the grease staining her hands as she oiled the wheels until she moved back to the tires. 

“Shit,” Ellie cursed, trying to wipe it off on her jeans.

Running up the stairs, tripping in her hurry, she absently heard her dad slowly follow her, but focused on needing to get it off as soon as possible. 

Ellie scrubbed underneath her fingers and rubbed her knuckles against her palms, sighing in relief when the water finally began to run clear.

Her dad stood next to her, watching as she did so. He asked outright, “Do you know who your soulmate is?”

Ellie froze, unsure of how really to respond, or what she could even say.

He said, slowly, carefully, wanting to make sure he chose the right words, “I may not have seemed like I was paying attention, but I did. You’re my daughter. And you never…” He paused, thinking, “You were never this… worried when you were younger.”

Ellie was stressed, but said, aggressively drying her hands, “Yeah… I know, but I can’t right now. I just… can’t.”

Placing his hand on her shoulder in what he hoped was a comforting gesture as she kept wringing her hands, “You don’t have to tell me. But you should tell her.” 

Then, he walked away as Ellie spluttered.

~-~-~-

When Paul and Aster finally settled into the booth, food in front of them, Aster said, “So, what’s up? What’d you want to talk about?”

Paul stops slurping his milkshake, folding his hands in front of himself, and sat up straight in an effort to look serious. Taking the time to consider his words, Paul said, “Okay, first, I would like to say how glad I am that Ellie’s found you.” 

He stopped again, “Of course I love Ellie, and I'm proud that she’s met someone, but I always kind of thought I'd have to push her to date because she doesn’t even really like talking to people as friends, you know?”

Nodding at the rhetorical question, Aster gestured for him to keep talking.

“She’s always been isolated and, don’t tell her this, but her dad was scared that she’d end up like him,” Paul eyebrows furrowed in that way it did when he was thinking particularly hard, his entire face scrunching up, “That she’d be paralyzed and stuck here when she deserves so much more. She has all these deep desires that, honestly, she used to not even think she could have. And when you’re around it’s almost like you’re bringing out that side of her. And she didn’t even think that there was a love that existed that didn’t hurt, and I’m so happy she found that faith with you, so please don’t hurt her. She may act all tough, and smart, and she is both of those things just to be clear, but she was also lonely for a really long time, and if you break her heart I know she’ll close back up. So please don’t do that,” he begged, “Please. Please don’t hurt her. Please don’t break her heart.”

Aster could feel her own heart breaking even more because, fuck, she knew that, if she and Ellie were in a real relationship, she’d start crying. But she wasn’t. And Ellie didn’t love her. So all Aster could say was, “I won’t. I’d never leave her unless she wanted me to.”

If Paul noticed her careful wording, he didn’t comment on it. He relaxed again, slouching back into his usual posture, “Okay, good. Now that we have that over with, we can talk about other things.”

“Yeah.”

Paul grinned, wide and happy as always, “You have no idea how much I hated doing that. I’m really bad at intimidating people.”

Aster laughed, “I can imagine.” 

Trying to lighten the mood further, but also deeply and genuinely curious, Aster couldn’t stop herself from asking, “So why’d you think we were dating?”

She corrected herself, “Or like how could you tell?”

Nearly bursting with excitement at the opportunity to list off his observations, obviously proud, Paul started, “Well, for starters, Ellie never lets anyone touch her that much, and she let you lay on her completely. She barely even gave me a hug when she left for school!” 

Aster was about to contradict him, say Ellie’s never been that stingy with affection towards her, but, she realized, that would just be her further proving his point. So, she shut her mouth.

With more to say, Paul said, “Also, Ellie would never introduce or bring anyone who wasn’t important back to Squahamish. She used to hate it here. And she was right to. This town trapped her, and she deserved to be free. But, she willingly brought you!” Growing more and more animated, “You’re special to her! And I knew you liked girls!”

Instinctively, operating on the impulsive response to be defensive after years of hiding, “How’d you know I liked girls?”

“Ellie told me!”

“Oh, right.”

“Anyways, she also told me a lot of other random stuff about you, which was also a sign! She talked about you all the time! Whenever I’d ask her about school she’d just be like ‘Aster this’ and ‘Aster that’ and on and on. And she called me many times to talk to me about how she probably had feelings. I mean she wouldn’t say who for, but, as soon as you arrived with her I could tell. ”

Aster couldn’t help the smile that spread over her face.

In response to Aster’s smile, Paul’s own somehow widened further.

Then, noticing the markings on her hands, he commented, oblivious, “Oh, Ellie has that problem too, did she show you her bike?”

Despite the internal panic she could feel creeping over herself as she stared down at her hands, watching them slowly fade away, Aster said, stuffing them under her thighs so she was sitting on them, “Oh, um, no, she hasn’t.”

“I’m sure she will at some point,” Paul said, mistaking her disappointment for one of a different kind.

“Yeah,” Aster said, distantly.

Mind racing, Aster knew there was no way Ellie couldn’t know they were soulmates because Aster got paint on herself all the time. Aster just never noticed it because she didn’t even think it was a possibility. Ellie always wore long sleeves around school. With that, she realized the only time she’d ever not seen Ellie not completely covered up was here, in Squahamish, because there was no way for Aster to have anything on her skin unless she wrote on herself deliberately. And Ellie knew she’d never do that because she knew Aster didn’t think she had a soulmate. Which meant she knew and didn’t want her. And she didn’t know how to let her down gently. Because she didn’t want her. She didn’t want her. Ellie... didn’t want her.

Fries and milkshakes finished, conversation moving so they weren’t talking about anything important, Paul said, “Do you want to go back now? I’m sure Ellie wants you back.”

In her head, Aster thought, I wish Ellie wanted me at all.

Aloud, Aster said, faking enthusiasm, “Yeah, sure.”

~-~-~-

The first thing Aster saw when they got back was Ellie. She didn’t know if it was because of this newfound information, or if it was because she had always been drawn to her, but she couldn’t look away.

Ellie just wore a simple flannel and jeans, her usual attire, but, paired with a gentle, albeit guarded, smile, Aster couldn’t remember a time where she’d been enamored by anyone else. Without trying, Ellie was still the most captivating person in the room. 

Still though, the thought that her younger self would’ve been all over Paul rose unbidden. Paul, with his muscles and washboard abs and unwavering kindness. He would’ve been a dream to high school Aster. A knight in shining armor desperate to please and all too easy to love. 

She never would’ve seen herself falling for the quiet girl. Everyone she used to know was... mean. 

And, now, she was surrounded by people who saw her. And cared about her. But even that knowledge didn’t end the suffocating sensation she felt. 

The feeling that she was lying. To them, to herself. Because they were everything. And she wasn’t like them. 

They were pure. Untainted. And she was just damaged goods. 

Undeserving of everything they had to offer. Undeserving of Ellie, undeserving of any of them. 

She was... a coward. And she deserved to be alone. 

And maybe that’s why Ellie never told her. Because she didn’t want her, and knew she never would. And, somehow, that thought hurt so much more than she thought it would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't really have anything to say so anyways come talk to me on tumblr @gayanalysis or twitter @gaydepresso if you want


	8. VIII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they kiss!! and both have many thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was watching the charmed reboot while i was writing this so if it's bad it's because i was distracted 😬

By the time the week is nearly up, their closeness has bled into everything. 

And it’s driving Aster fucking insane. 

What had first started as the occasional cuddle became touching all the time: holding hands whenever they were within arms reach, a hand on the thigh under the dinner table, little pecks on the lips whenever Aster said something Ellie agreed with, hugs almost constantly, cheek kisses in greeting, have become so habitual that it occurs even when they’re alone. 

And that’s how they start kissing for real.

Because Aster had no self-control and, even with all her doubts, she’d always been a martyr for pain. 

All she knew was that, if this was her only chance to be with Ellie this way, if this was all she’d ever get from her, she’d take it. 

So, when Ellie turned in Aster’s arms to wish her goodnight, Aster broke their usual routine. 

What was typically spooning until they fell asleep, changed as Aster looked at Ellie’s face, half-lit in the moonlight. 

Eyes closed, Aster shifted slightly, so their faces aligned. And, with Ellie’s lips still parted from her exhale, Aster angled her head so that they touched. Faintly at first, she deepened it. Her tongue in Ellie’s mouth, stroking tentatively. Nails digging into the skin of Ellie’s hips, Aster bit down on her lower lip, drawing it into her mouth. 

With Ellie running her hands up and down Aster’s back, clutching desperately, Aster pulled away. 

“Fuck,” Ellie breathed out. 

Smiling because Ellie never really curses, Aster’s heart clenched at the way the swear falls out of her mouth like it’s accidental, almost bewildered. 

Foreheads pressed together, Aster moved her arm up slowly, shaking. 

Cupping Ellie’s face tenderly, she caressed her cheek in a measured way. 

Ellie’s eyes were still squeezed shut, tense as though she was trying to keep the moment from ending. 

She had always thought first kisses were over-hyped, but this was different.

It’s not that Ellie’s a good kisser (because she is but that’s another thing). Maybe it’s because she knows they’re soulmates, or if that’s just what it felt like to kiss someone she actually had feelings for, but… 

Aster swallowed hard at the way Ellie looked, resisting the urge to go further.

She may want it, but she would never force Ellie into that position. Instead, she brushed a quick kiss against Ellie’s forehead, and whispered, “Sleep well.”

Ellie’s eyes blinked open, “Yeah.”

But, hours later, neither of them were asleep, and Aster still couldn’t stop her mind from racing.

Aster thought she had gotten used to all the rumors.

“Aster Flores steals soulmates”,

“Aster Flores will break your heart”,

“Aster Flores doesn’t have a soul”,

“Aster Flores will turn your girl gay”,

“Aster Flores will fuck you and leave and you’ll thank her for it because she’s just that good”,

“Aster Flores is...”

And on, and on, and on, but, as Ellie turned away from her probably unconsciously, or maybe even unintentionally, Aster would’ve sworn that, in that moment, she could feel her heart breaking.

But, she knew that was impossible. 

Because no one could break her heart if she didn't have one.

~-~-~-

Ellie was on the precipice of what she could tell would be a dreamless sleep, but before she could offer Aster her nightly sleep farewell, Aster, so much more gently than Ellie had ever imagined, kissed her.

And, of course they’d kissed before.

That’s what people in relationships did.

They kissed.

But, they’d never had a full blown make-out session. 

And there was no other way to describe it.

Because Ellie had never been kissed like that before.

Well, technically, she’d never been kissed at all before Aster came along, but that wasn’t the point.

It was… good.

Which was not as eloquent a description as Ellie would’ve liked, but, fuck, nothing and no one had ever prepared her for this.

Honestly, Paul should’ve given her a warning. 

Because, wow, kissing seemed like the kind of pointless activity Ellie never thought she’d want to partake in, but now... just... wow.

Scientifically, she understood that the rush of feelings were because of her brain reacting to the physical stimulus, releasing oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin, but she certainly didn’t think it’d feel like that.

Like all the positive adjectives she could ever think of she felt with one simple action.

Above all, she felt… safe. 

And vaguely turned on.

But that was another thing.

And, as Ellie turned away, it all came crashing down.

She and Aster were opposites in every way.

And, despite the truism that opposites attract, she knows that it’s impossible for people to form relationships with others who don’t have the same views and values.

They may have the same values, but their outlooks on life were too different.

No matter what the universe said, or destined, or had planned for them, it would never work out.

Because Aster tried to see life through a haze of watercolor, no matter how horrible the circumstances.

She’d thought she was soulmateless and she still imagined love like it was a plethora of never ending space-time.

And Ellie, sometimes Ellie didn’t even think love existed. 

Or, if it did exist, it was only in the form of platonic and familial love.

If romantic love was real, it didn’t last.

Life was… black. 

Straightforward with no blends.

Being alive was just a castle of glass, easily broken, dripping pain like shining metal ink.

They would never work out. 

No matter how much she wanted it to. 

Or how much she wanted her.

When Aster had fallen asleep, arms loose around her waist, Ellie turned to face her again.

Ellie needed to focus on the situation at hand. Reflecting on what had been happening, Aster... made her oddly happy.

And oxymoron of domestic lust, Aster’s far too beautiful to be read as a mistake, deserving far more than forgotten nostalgia, a forgotten feelings she thought would never come back, never feel. 

Saturated sunshine, reaching forward, tracing the canvas of her face, Ellie decided, she was the one who chose not to tell Aster they were soulmates, so it too should be her who would forever hold her peace.

So, finally at the edge of sleep again, the last thing Ellie thought was that everyone always compared having a crush to butterflies in the stomach. 

But, the thing about that though was that butterflies were opportunistic omnivores. 

And the butterflies that Aster made in Ellie’s stomach were eating her from the inside out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unrelated to this fic or even this fandom but honestly this was my overarching thought while writing this: does anyone else ship mel and abigael? 
> 
> anyways as always thank you for reading and if you so desire come talk to me on tumblr @gayanalysis or twitter @gaydepresso


	9. IX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ellie disappears for a while the next day, aster’s left with ellie’s dad and paul, aster tries to talk to ellie and it backfires

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my apeng exam is on wednesday so yikes

The next day, Aster wakes up and the bed is cold. Aster is no stranger to this, but, usually, it’s from people who don’t matter. 

And, simply put, Ellie did.

Ellie mattered, and she was gone.

She left before Aster could wake up because Aster fucked up.

Aster fucked up, so Ellie left.

Breathing deeply, trying to quell the panic flowing through her, she tried to rationalize. Maybe Ellie was downstairs. She had no reason to stay in bed until Aster woke up.

Despite that being what Ellie had done all week.

Fuck.

It was a deviation in routine, and Ellie liked to stick to a schedule.

Which meant something was wrong.

But, maybe Aster was overthinking it.

But, she did kiss Ellie the night before.

Which meant it was her fault.

But, maybe Ellie needed to go to the bathroom and would be back.

Groaning, frustrated with her brain, Aster was tempted to slap herself in the face.

She’d sworn to herself she’d never act like this with anyone.

But that was before she found out she had a soulmate.

But, now, even worse, she found out her soulmate didn’t want her.

And she’d kissed her without her permission.

But, Ellie did kiss back.

But, that could’ve been an instinctive reaction.

“Fuck, I’m so stupid,” Aster swore.

Reassuring herself in a vain attempt to stay calm, Aster said, “Okay, I’m fine, it’s fine, it’ll be fine.”

With one last deep breath, Aster stood, preparing herself to go downstairs and face whatever consequences there may be.

~-~-~-

In the kitchen, Paul and Ellie’s dad sat alone at the coffee table.

Absently, Aster wondered when Paul even went back to his own house, but she prioritized. “Where’s Ellie?” Aster blurted.

Both turning to face her at her outburst, Paul said, “Oh, I don’t know, all she said was that she’d be back before sunset.”

Before Aster could respond, Paul asked, “Do you want any breakfast? I brought my latest sausage recipe for you all to try,” pouting as he continued, “But Ellie rushed out before I could hand her a piece.”

Pasting on her best fake smile, Aster said, trying to muster all the enthusiasm she could, “I’d love to!”

Happy again, “Cool!”

Then, over the course of the rest of the day, Aster blankly made braised pork and watched movies with them. 

But, in the back of her mind, she couldn’t help but worry about Ellie, wondering if she’d irreparably ruined their friendship.

~-~-~-

Ellie rose with the sun, so, at dawn, she rolled out of bed, trying not to wake Aster up.

While she hoped not to run into anyone on her way out, she could already hear Paul stomping around. 

After getting dressed, she went out, offering Paul a quick goodbye.

Taking her bike, Ellie pedalled hard and reached the mineral hot spring in under an hour.

There, she leaned her bike against a tree, stripped off her clothes, and sank in.

Ellie needed to relax, but her thoughts wouldn’t stop wandering.

She floated for hours, trying to get her heart rate down, but, once she realized she couldn’t, she stood. 

She’d tried to exercise her frustration out, she’d tried to loosen her frustration out, but neither worked.

Angrily growling, Ellie punched one of the rocks that lined and built the walls of the pit.

In a fit of sudden rage, Ellie wished she’d never met Aster. 

Because, if she hadn’t, she wouldn’t have felt this way. 

She wouldn’t have ever felt this way, and her life would be fine. 

It was fine before they’d met. 

And now it was a fucking disaster.

A literal fucking trainwreck that she couldn’t compartmentalize.

Maybe Ellie just needed space.

When she was stressed, talking to Paul usually helped, but she couldn’t talk to Paul, which meant she had to deal with it on her own.

Which was fine.

Because that’s how she always used to deal with things.

On her own.

Because it was better that way.

She was better that way.

She didn’t need anyone else.

She could fix this on her own.

She could solve it on her own.

Aster never needed to know they were soulmates.

~-~-~-

Arriving back home just as it was getting dark, Ellie was immediately swallowed in a hug by Paul.

Throughout dinner Aster keeps shooting her these looks, like she can’t tell if she wants to avoid her or have a serious conversation.

Luckily, Paul speaks enough for all of them, and there’s no awkwardness.

Unluckily though, by the time they’re alone and getting ready for bed, Aster decided to bridge the gap, “So… how was your day?”

“It was fine,” Ellie said tightly.

“Right,” Aster replied hesitantly, sliding under the covers.

Ellie was too busy trying to smooth out her face to notice Aster reaching for her hand.

“What happened to your hand?” Aster said, concerned.

“None of your business,” Ellie snapped, snatching her hand back.

Aster let out a clearly unhappy laugh, “Right, okay, well, sorry for caring, I guess.”

Ellie bit her lower lip, “No, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to jump down your throat. I’m just tired.”

Aster only nodded.

Ellie took Aster’s hand this time, sincere, “Really, I’m sorry.”

Running her thumb slowly and gently across Ellie’s knuckles, meeting her gaze straight on, “Can we just… talk? For real.”

Ellie swallowed, hardening her resolve. With all the willpower she had, she removed her injured hand from where Aster still held it, and said, turning onto her side, “We’re leaving tomorrow anyways, can we discuss this later?”

“Yeah… sure.”

And Ellie ignored the hurt in Aster’s voice. 

~-~-~-

Ellie was mad at her.

That much Aster could easily tell. 

Why though, Aster wasn’t as sure.

Ellie couldn't have been this mad over just a kiss, right?

Aster didn’t know how she thought Ellie would react to her kissing her, but she hadn’t expected an entire day gone just to avoid her.

And what she for sure didn’t expect was to be so callously brushed off as soon as she came back.

Aster had never seen Ellie like this. Hard and closed off. 

It was disheartening. 

And painful.

With every harsh word, Aster resigned herself further to a life of solitude.

All she had was one kiss, and, if she could fix this, a lifetime of platonic platitudes.

But, better to have Ellie in her life at all then to never see her again.

Because, if today had shown her anything, it was that Ellie would absolutely be willing to never see her again for the rest of her life.

And Aster couldn’t let that happen.

So, as they lay awake on the edges of their side of the bed, Aster thought, for the first time in the entirety of their friendship, it feels like they’re fighting.

And it was all Aster’s fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> talk to me on tumblr @gayanalysis or twitter @gaydepresso


	10. X

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they go back to school, ellie is avoiding aster, and aster confronts her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one's really really short again but (again) i promise the next one will be longer because once all ap exams are over my friends want to do like a movie marathon type thing where we each choose a movie and we go through and watch them all together but i don’t really like movies so honestly i’ll probably be working on this while we do (if my friends are reading this i’m sorry but also pls stop it makes me intensely uncomfortable and also i Know y’all will make fun of me and that’s the only reason you’ve gotten this far in the fic because you’re all illiterate don’t come for me)
> 
> but anyways that means i’ll hopefully get more writing done

This time, the train ride is stilted, filled with an awkward, unspoken tension neither of them wanted to bridge. 

They both put up a solid front during the good-byes, not needing it to be more depressing than it already was, but, as soon as Paul and Ellie’s dad were out of sight, the facade was dropped instantly.

But, Aster wasn’t exactly looking for a repeat of the night before (which is really not a sentence she ever thought she’d think about Ellie, not that she’d exactly imagined that happening).

So, she kept quiet, and hoped Ellie would speak up first.

And, when she didn’t, Aster didn’t either.

It was silent on the train, her misery becoming even more evident when a man her age eyed her up, started to walk over, and promptly sat back down after getting a good look at her face.

It was silent on the walk home.

It was silent as they unpacked their things.

It was… silent. 

And not in a comforting way.

~-~-~-

Ellie was busy with classes. They both were.

She’s not avoiding her… they just happen to never really be in the room at the same time unless they’re asleep.

It’s not her fault.

They’re no longer on break and Ellie has to spend all her free time studying.

In the library.

Away from distractions.

Which is exactly what Aster is.

But, technically, Ellie’s still not avoiding Aster.

They were inseparable together for a whole week, they both need the time apart, not just her.

And Aster seems fine. 

And it’s Ellie’s fault, so it really shouldn’t bother her how effortlessly unruffled Aster seems. 

Because Aster always appears almost annoyingly nonchalant.

But, now, it’s almost… forced.

But also somehow not?

Like maybe Aster just genuinely doesn’t care.

Which hurts.

But she deserved it, Ellie supposed.

Finally though, when it seems like tensions are at an all time high, Ellie’s drowning in homework, and Aster walks in.

Apparently in a confrontational mood, possibly on the brink of tears, Aster says, as soon as she storms in, “Can we just talk? For real.”

Ellie cleared her throat and turned away, an obvious rebuttal, “Later, I’m busy right now.”

Aster tugged at her hair, agitated, forcing Ellie to look at her, “You’re always busy! That’s the problem!”

Aster sighed when Ellie didn’t respond. “Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell.”

She kneeled on the floor in front of Ellie, “I just want us to go back to normal, okay? Without all the avoiding and shit, you know?”

When Ellie still didn’t say anything, Aster kept going, “I’m sorry I kissed you, okay? I didn’t mean to… fuck things up.”

Unable to keep hearing Aster go on about how she regretted kissing her, Ellie said, “Yeah, yeah, it’s fine, I’m just like… really busy.”

Aster stood and scoffed, “Right… okay, I’ll just… go then.”

Ellie just needed time, space to feel less like a paper doll (like she was disposable, needed the distance to feel less like Aster could hurt her again (rip her up and toss her aside), needed the chasm to widen so she can bask in the careful loneliness).

Frustrated with herself, Ellie grabbed Aster’s hand, “Wait, I’m sorry. I know I’ve been… distant, to say the least, but it’s not your fault. I’ve just been caught up in my own stuff, and I’m sorry I dragged you into it. I just needed some time, I guess. I promise I’ll try harder.”

Aster sighed again, relieved this time, “Good, that’s all I’m asking for. I never want anything to get in the way of our friendship.”

Squeezing her hand, Aster said, “You’re the most important person in my life, okay?”

“Yeah, same.” Ellie said, strained.

“So! We’re okay now?” Ellie asked, wanting to change the topic.

“Yeah,” Aster smiled.

She cared too much about Aster to disappear again, hurt too much to stay that close to her again, an in-between had to be enough because Ellie had nothing left to offer her.

~-~-~-

Aster was good faking things, that much should be evident at this point.

She could lie so well because it was in her nature.

But fuck if Ellie ignoring her for a week didn’t hurt.

Maybe it was karma, and she deserved it.

She let their lie of a relationship progress for a week, so now Ellie was acting like she didn’t exist.

Aster got to take advantage and do what she wanted most, so a 180 was done and she was left with nothing.

She had to give it to her though, Ellie could do avoidance like it was nobody’s business.

Aster had thought she was good at avoiding people, but, damn, they fucking lived together and Aster barely saw her other than in class.

So, Aster did what she did best and confronted her.

And Ellie straight up told her she was tired of being around her.

And, honestly, Aster got it.

It made sense.

Of course Ellie needed space.

Of course she didn’t want to be around her anymore.

Why would she?

So Aster just had to pretend it didn't hurt, pretend that she expected it.

Because she did.

But that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been trying to focus more on school so i haven't really been writing but i do have the rest of the fic planned out so there will for sure be fifteen chapters in total 
> 
> anyways talk to me on tumblr @gayanalysis or twitter @gaydepresso


	11. XI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ellie continues to spiral, gets drunk and calls paul, paul texts aster, and ellie does some confessing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the apeng exam is over so yay!!!! and it was easy so double yay!!!!!!!!! unless i got a three in which case i never said that and i never ever made that claim.
> 
> but anyways someone asked where the fluff was in this fic but like i literally don’t know how to write fluff
> 
> like i have this entire fic planned out to be just angst up until like the last part

Unfortunately, the confrontation had only started a downward spiral. 

Technically, Ellie was fine.

At least to everyone else she seemed fine.

She was still going to class, still doing all her work, but, now, it was less because she wanted to for the sake of learning, but instead because she needed to distract herself and maintain a healthy distance between her thoughts about Aster.

Again, even more unfortunately though, she couldn’t.

Because she’d agreed to try to make things go back the way they were before and that meant seeing Aster basically all the time.

And she meant all the time.

So, that’s how Ellie got here.

Drunk and stumbling out of some shitty frat party.

Which was so unlike her.

It was literally the exact opposite of anything she ever thought she’d do.

But, Aster dragged out that side of her, Ellie supposed.

And, unable to form steady, coherent thoughts, Ellie did what she always did when she felt out of it.

She sat down on the curb, narrowly missing a puddle of vomit in the grass, and called Paul.

Because Paul always knew all the answers when Ellie got like this.

She was having a crisis and she needed him.

Paul answered on the second ring, but, before he could even get a hello in, Ellie yelled, happy to see his face, “Paul! Hi! I miss you! I meant, I always miss you, but now I really, really, really miss you.”

Ellie felt like she’d been spiraling until she saw his face, just needed the gentle familiarity that preceded the ease of stability. 

Concerned by the obvious display of drunkenness, especially given how few emotions Ellie typically has bursting out of her, “Ellie, are you okay? Are you drunk? Where are you?”

Impatient, Ellie said, “Yes, yes, I’m fine. Why do people keep asking me that? I’m clearly fine.”

“Okay, but where are you?”

Purposefully vague, “Outside.”

Even more worried now, Paul asked, “Where’s Aster? Do you have anyone to take care of you? Where are you?”

Unhappy with the turn that’d taken, Ellie said, pouting, “I’m fine. I can take care of myself.”

“I’m sure you can, but I want to make sure you get home safe, so I’m going to text Aster to come get you, okay?”

“No! I don’t need her! I just wanted to talk to you!” Ellie said, trying to stand, wobbling a bit.

Paul reassured her, but still texted Aster to ask her for help, “Okay, what’d you want to tell me?”

Noticing what he’d done, but needing to talk, Ellie walked in the direction of her dorm, “The thing is. I don’t believe in fate.” 

Ellie paused unnecessarily, “You know this. Everyone who knows me knows this.”

Reaching the point of intoxication where she was emphasizing random words, “But, at the same time, sometimes I feel like the universe is giving, shoving more like it, all these opportunities towards me, but I don't take them?”

Ellie laughed hysterically, “I don’t know how to take them, or even if I’m just making them up? Am I just making stuff up?”

She collided with a mailbox, petting it apologetically before tripping and plopping onto the concrete, “God I think I’m losing it.”

Softening at her panic, “Ellie, you’re not losing it, okay? I know everything feels really out of control right now, but, even if I don’t know the context, I know that you’re the smartest person in the world. And whatever happened that you think you messed up, you can fix, okay? If I believe in one thing, it’s you. I believe in you.”

With some hesitation, he added, “Also, Aster’s on her way, she says she’ll be there in two minutes.”

“No!” Ellie shouted, standing again, trying to run but failing and falling back down.

Phone in one hand and woefully inebriated, Ellie scraped her knees.

And that was the last straw in her breakdown.

Because Ellie started sobbing uncontrollably.

Paul didn’t get a chance to figure out why though because luckily, or unluckily in Ellie’s opinion, Aster showed up.

Hanging up for Ellie, Aster put Ellie’s phone in her own pocket before crouching on the sidewalk next to her, cupping her face to make sure she was physically okay.

Verbally making sure, Aster asked, “Are you okay?”

Ellie almost huffed, annoyed at how many times she’d been asked that.

Instead, if anything though, it made Ellie cry harder.

Because Aster treated her so gently, and she didn’t deserve it.

She had blatantly ignored Aster for a week, and Aster was still trying to take care of her.

In the midst of her tears, Ellie ended up ignoring her question and rambled, words concise, but somehow still floundering, “I don’t think… I don’t think I’ll ever be able… to forget the feeling of you gently cradling my face and my heart.” 

She stopped, “I’m drunk… I’m really fucking drunk.”

Ellie started laughing again, “Still, all my thoughts are syllepsis when you’re involved.”

Ellie was already terrible at reading emotions, but, as drunk as she was, Aster’s expression was nothing short of unreadable.

When all Aster says is, “Let’s get you home,” and tries to tug Ellie up, Ellie can’t help but tug her back down.

Mustering all the honesty she could, Ellie rubbed her face and said, as serious as she could make herself be, “I’m your soulmate.”

Aster didn’t say anything, still just trying to pull Ellie into a standing position.

So, Ellie repeated, “I’m your soulmate.”

Again, “I’m your soulmate.”

Finally, Aster closed her eyes and said, pained, “Please stop saying that.”

Confused, Ellie said, “I’m sorry.”

Head tilted, “I thought you’d want to know. And I’m sorry I kept it from you.”

Unable to stop herself at this point, “It’s... it was tearing me up inside. I hate keeping secrets. Especially from you! And I usually just tell people everything because then there’s nothing to keep track of. Can’t claim I’m lying if i always tell the truth, you know?”

Ellie repeated herself again, “But I hate keeping secrets. Especially from you. I just… didn’t know what to say. Or how to say it, I guess. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry”

Finally, Ellie stopped. she couldn’t say she was in love because it wouldn’t be true. 

She knew it shouldn’t feel this way, but she didn’t know how it should feel at all. 

And yet, Ellie still couldn’t help but seek out Aster’s face.

Even while she knew she was just making it hurt more (hurt now, hurt later), she couldn’t figure out a way to simultaneously be honest and salvage their relationship. 

Apparently losing all the seriousness she had left in her, Ellie laughed again, laying down, “I think I’ve apologized to you more this past week than I have in the entire time I’ve known you.”

Somehow confident despite Aster’s general lack of responsiveness, Ellie pressed her lips firmly against Aster's.

But, Aster stayed stock still next to her.

Done with this, Aster ignored what Ellie had said and done for the moment and picked her up, “Come on, let’s go home.”

So, having already said everything she could’ve, Ellie kept silent and let Aster silently carry her home, wishing she could go back in time and stop herself from getting wasted.

~-~-~-

When Paul first texted Aster to tell her Ellie was drunk and he needed her to go get Ellie, Aster’s initial response was fear.

She was afraid because Ellie hated losing control.

Had she driven Ellie to the point of no return?

Had she pushed her to be reliant on alcohol?

But, upon finding Ellie on the cement, forlorn but alone, all Aster felt was relief.

Relief because Ellie was okay.

Well, she wasn’t okay, but she was safe.

However, that relief faded as quickly as it came as Ellie started speaking.

Aster had never heard Ellie speak that many words at one time apart from when she was talking about books or movies or politics.

But she was drunk.

And that explained away all the truths that Ellie was unwittingly let pour out of her.

Aster couldn’t hold it against her.

She’d spilled just as many on previous occasions.

Aster almost wanted to laugh with Ellie at how ridiculous the situation would be had it not been happening to her.

Of course Ellie would use rhetorical devices and then mention that she’d done so.

It was so like her, and so fucking endearing.

But, in contrast to that cuteness, this was like a reflection of what had gotten her into this mess in the first place, except Ellie was the drunk one this time.

Ellie was drunk and she didn’t mean any of the things she said.

Because sober Ellie would never have told her any of those things, that much Aster was sure of.

So, when Ellie kissed her, Aster didn’t kiss back.

Because as much as she wanted it, and as often as she’d thought about it, it wasn’t right.

Ellie was as plastered as anyone could be, and Aster couldn’t do it.

But, on the way back to their dorm, Aster couldn’t stop thinking about Ellie, (her face, her smile, that hazy look in her eyes after they kissed).

It all made a feeling unquantifiably large swell up in Aster’s chest.

So, to prevent the inevitable mental loop of memories from playing in her mind until it crescendoed into heartbreak, she popped that balloon instead, shoved it down with false imaginings, corked with a different brand of different person of a different kind of unattainable that’d she’d never let shatter her. 

Like Ellie did. 

It wasn’t even really her fault.

Aster only had herself to blame for wanting someone who never wanted her to begin with. 

Still, she didn’t understand why it was so easy for Ellie to hurt her again, slide under her skin like a hollow needle, fill her full of a longing Aster thought she’d kissed enough strangers to flood out.

She’d experienced more heartbreaks with one person than anyone deserved with hundreds of people over the course of their entire life.

And Ellie didn’t even know she was doing it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also i forgot to acknowledge this back in the chapter when they were up in squahamish but i do know mandarin and i feel like paul would’ve tried to learn chinese and ellie’s dad would’ve found out and starting teaching him and with that i feel like it’d be more realistic to have ellie and her dad and paul talk to each other in chinese but idk how i would format it because i hate the way it looks with the << >> to represent speaking in another language but i also feel like typing the actual characters out and then putting the translations in the notes at the bottom is inconvenient and just saying that they’re talking in chinese seems kinda boring so i opted to just leave everything in english i guess? 
> 
> but, as always, if you so desire, come talk to me on tumblr @gayanalysis or twitter @gaydepresso


	12. XII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aster accidentally tell ellie she's in love with her, ellie doesn’t say anything, aster cries and gets up and leaves, ellie sits in the aftermath, and aster gets drunk with trig

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay honestly i feel like everyone who’s expecting good fluff at the end of this will be sorely disappointed because i genuinely have no idea how to write anything soft 
> 
> like how do people write happy endings??????
> 
> how do people neatly tie off their stories in a way that’s satisfying AND happy??????
> 
> idk maybe just cynical and lonely but like i feel like there’s no fairy-tale happy ending in life so idk how to put that kinda thing in writing i guess? idk

Aster didn’t know why at the time, but her mind had been stuck on the whole ‘Ellie always thinks things through’ train of thought.

Ellie’s almost always honest, but Aster’s not like that.

She’s trained herself to be cautious of other people.

And Ellie’s honest.

Honest in a careful way.

Because she knew what her words meant.

Aster typically said things just because, and, because she’s comfortable around Ellie, when their eyes met, Ellie’s gaze still foggy without her glasses, worsened by her hangover, Aster blurted out, “I’m in love with you.”

And that cleared Ellie’s vision right up.

Physically, it was still blurry, but it definitely woke her up, and Aster could practically see the horror set in.

And all Ellie did was blink.

Mouth agape, in shock, Ellie didn’t say a single thing.

She didn’t even bother to ask a follow-up question because they both knew she’d heard what Aster said.

Instinctively, Aster filled the quiet with a loud, “Shit.”

Then, feeling the clarity and awkwardness permeate her mind, she stood up, grabbing only a few necessities before rushing out.

And, as Aster left, she wished that she knew how to be someone who was less herself. 

Because, in the end, all that got her was a gaping hole in the chest. 

Because she always thought she was good at reading people, that Ellie would never lie to her. 

Not because Ellie was physically incapable of lying, but because Aster had trusted her enough to not think to read into everything she did. 

But she was wrong. 

And stupid. 

And it was her own fault she’d let her heart fall out onto the floor of their room.

There was no tangible way to describe how much it hurt. 

Aster just wanted to be someone who knew how to stop herself from wanting something that she’d never have. 

On some level, she acknowledged that she couldn’t own a person, and wouldn’t want to anyways.

Ellie belonged to herself, and Aster was just one person among billions who was hopelessly in love with her.

But, more consciously, she wished she could just stop investing herself in people who would never reflect the same.

Maybe it was just as simple as the fact that her brand of love wasn’t built to last. 

All emotions are temporary, even the ones that feel all consuming.

~-~-~-

Ellie didn’t know what she was expecting when she woke up, but she certainly wasn’t expecting Aster professing her love for her to act as an alarm clock.

The haziness of her general blindness in combination with her aching skull was not a good combination.

And Aster basically smacking her over the head with that information was just that - a punch to the face.

While it was nice to know, her response, or lack thereof, was probably the opposite of comforting.

She’d never had to deal with this many emotions ever before in her entire life.

She’d never had that many of her own feelings to deal with, but now she had another person who was dependent on her because she had feelings for her?

It was making the pounding worse.

What was she supposed to do with this information?

Of course her not saying anything was a bad sign, but what was she even supposed to say?

Lie and repeat it back to her? Aster could tell when she was lying, Ellie had an awful poker face.

Tell her the truth and say, “Here’s the thing, I don’t actually know what love is, so I can’t tell you I love you back because I don’t want to lie to you, but I really really really like you, is that okay?” 

Because that sounded like an even more laughable excuse of a confession.

Annoyed with her own inability to process, stuck in a place where, for the second time in her life she was unable to talk to the one person who’d know what to do, angry tears inadvertently began to drip down her cheeks.

Not wanting to cry, but not being able to stop them, Ellie resisted the urge to punch the cement block walls of their room, knowing it would hurt her hand rather than ease her growing bitterness.

For a moment, she considered doing it anyways because the physical pain would be a more than adequate way to distance herself from the emotional pain, but she thought better of it.

Her hand was still sore from last time anyways.

Ellie used to feel like she was floating when Aster was around, and, now, aggravated and filled with a new kind of crippling vexation, she wondered when that turned into choking on her own tears.

By not doing anything, she’d broken what they had before they could even become anything.

~-~-~-

Fuck, Aster didn’t even know where she was going.

All she knew was that she needed to drink away her feelings, so, of course the obvious answer was to find Trig.

Dimly remembering that Trig had shown her where he lived, and that, luckily, she’d grabbed her keys, Aster drove around until she found an apartment building that looked somewhat familiar.

Outside, she texted him, asking which apartment he lived in.

As soon as he replied and Aster was at his door, Aster said, “I really hope you have alcohol because fuck knows I need it.”

Hungover, Trig rubbed his face, “It’s 10am.”

“Actually, it’s noon,” Aster corrected, “So let me in, and let’s get fucked up.”

“Still, isn’t it a bit early for alcohol poisoning,” Trig said, moving so she could enter.

Aster fell back onto the couch, sitting upside down, “One, it’s never too early to drink. And, two, because you’re hungover, just make yourself a bloody Mary or don’t drink at all, and I’ll shotgun some shit.”

“Do you want to tell me what happened first?” Trig asked, pulling out some top-shelf vodka.

“Later,” Aster said, not quite wanting to talk about it before she’d gotten a couple shots in.

Then, spotting what he’d chosen, she moved into a more normal position so she wouldn’t choke on the liquor, Aster said, “Fuck yes, you know me so well. It is absolutely a vodka kind of afternoon.”

Dryly, “Well, I didn’t exactly think it’d be a tequila kind of afternoon, you know, considering it’s the middle of the day.”

“Whatever, that’s not the point.”

“Yeah, the point is whatever the fuck got you in the mood to drink in the first place.”

Aster didn’t say anything, instead choosing to unscrew the bottle and take a long swig.

Recognizing the sullen expression she wore, Trig amended, “Or should I say who?”

She swallowed another mouthful.

Trig rolled his eyes, “I’d get you a chaser, but I have a feeling it isn’t that kind of day either, so I’ll get you some water.”

Trying to muster up as much gratitude as she could, Aster thanked him.

“Yeah, yeah,” Trig waved her off, “Just tell me what’s up when you feel like it.”

“Or when you get fucked up enough, I guess,” Trig supposed.

Aster considered pacing herself, but decided against it.

Glad Trig had to foresight to know she wouldn’t need a glass and would be more than happy to chug the half of the container that remained, Aster sighed.

Letting the burn wash over her and settle into warmth, Aster took another long pull, needing to feel the effects as soon as possible.

Honestly, she liked being under the influence.

It made everything feel slow.

She just needed everything to feel like molasses.

Aster needed the world to feel sluggish, so her thoughts would quiet.

The numbness made everything dull, and, if everything was as stagnant as she felt, her mind wouldn’t be able to drown her and she could wallow in the ache of just how badly she’d fucked up without having actually reflect on it.

“Here, catch,” Trig said, pulling her out of her own head, tossing her a water bottle.

Aster caught it one-handedly, still holding the vodka, and set it on the table, “Thanks.”

Trig nodded.

Knowing she owed Trig an explanation for intruding on his day, too tired to give a real response, all Aster said was, “Ellie.”

Luckily, he seemed to understand.

By the time she’d nearly emptied the bottle, Aster was finally ready to talk.

Blessedly out of it, not caring whether what she said even made sense, Aster said, “I just… I keep wanting people who don’t want me, you know? But the thing that fucking sucks is that Ellie was supposed to be the one person who wanted me.”

Trig seemed confused, but didn’t say anything, wanting her to continue.

Aster picked up on it though, and clarified, “Oh, right, I forgot to tell you she’s my soulmate,” she laughed self-deprecatingly, “Surprise! Yes, it turns out I do, in fact, have a fucking soulmate. And it’s the girl I was fucking falling for! So great, right? Nope!”

Finishing it off, she turned back into her original upside down position, “And I get fucked up, so I stop feeling like I’m the problem. Because I am. I am the problem. Ellie doesn’t want me, and I totally get it. I don’t… I don’t deserve love anyways.”

Trig frowned, completely serious when he replied, “You’re wrong. You absolutely deserve love, and, if this Ellie girl doesn’t think you’re worth it, then fuck her.”

“I wish.”

He rolled his eyes again, “The point is, if she doesn’t want you, then it’s her loss. And anyways,” Trig nudged her, “I love you. Even if it’s only platonic, I care about you, okay? So don’t ever think you’re not worth loving.”

Aster repositioned herself yet again so she could cry without choking, “You’re like the frat bro I never even knew I wanted.”

Trig laughed, wrapping an arm around her in what he assumed was a comforting gesture, “Please, as if I’d ever be one of those cheap, messy hooligans.”

And Aster laughed as she cried, cuddling into him.

“I’m tired,” she whispered.

He ruffled her hair, and said, “Don’t worry, these pecs will always be here for you to sleep on.” 

But the alcohol had already taken its toll, and the emotional exhaustion pulled her away, leaving no one to appreciate his sense of humor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also in case anyone would like to know that whole thing where ellie stops herself from punching a wall to stop herself from crying is an actual thing because i legit did that one time because my best friend made me cry and i didn’t want my mom to see so i punched a wall
> 
> anyways come talk to me on tumblr @gayanalysis or twitter @gaydepresso


	13. XIII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ellie writes a letter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wait okay i think that the notes from the previous chapter made it seem like there wouldn’t be a resolution and they would be sad forever so i would just like to clarify that that’s not what i meant i just meant that while they will end up happy it won’t be like a long epilogue type of happiness
> 
> like they’ll be happy and then it’ll be over basically i guess if that makes sense?

Making the executive decision to spend all day in bed, Ellie contemplated what the next course of action should be.

Primarily focused on how terribly the past twenty-four hours had gone, she wasn’t surprised when her mind chose to wander to memories that involved Aster.

After a certain amount of time, it had gotten too depressing to simply lay there, so, instead, absently remembering Paul telling her letters were romantic and acknowledging that writing was a good way to process, Ellie groped around the nightstand for a textbook that she was sure would have some paper and a pen stuffed inside.

Unsure of where exactly to begin, Ellie decided to just go for it.

_Dear Aster Flores,_

_Love is deceptively cruel._

_I think that was probably the worst way I could’ve started this given the implications that it makes it seem as though I’m rejecting you, but it feels fitting, so bear with me. Honestly, I don’t know what love is. It’s never been something I’ve ever been particularly inclined to really offer much thought to. At least until I met you. Which sounds like such a cliche, but, again, it feels adequate. And I’m trying to be someone who relies on her feelings more._

_I always used to think it was a privilege that I was good at thinking about the universe logically, refusing to be someone who let my emotions control me. To be frank, it made people think of me as cold, closed-off, and maybe (probably) stuck-up. And I was. It was easier to be that person than to acknowledge that it hurt not to have anyone I could connect to. I was a lonely kid, and, after my mom died, somehow, it was like that amplified further._

_My dad’s heartbreak destroyed what little faith I had in love left. I had to be strong for him, and, to me, that meant being uncaring in all other personal aspects of my life._

__

_Then, I met Paul. And you’ve met him, so you know how hard it is to avoid getting attached. Maybe he’s rebuilt parts of me I didn’t even know were broken, but maybe not. Maybe I’m just like this and I’ll never change._

_I think the issue is more straightforward though. Love is subjective. It doesn’t mean the same thing to everybody. It doesn’t mean the same thing to anybody. And I don’t know how to describe how much I hate that. Because, despite how ironic it is that I’ve built my life around all things subjective, I can't stand that the most subjective feeling of all can’t be made objective. There’s no sure way to know if what I’m feeling is real, or if it’s a product of the universe, or anything else involving us._

_Of course I know love isn’t a finite source. I mean, look at Paul, he gives love so completely and whole-heartedly, and I adore that about him. But that’s not me. I don’t know how to be that person. I just always thought of love as something distant. Something that happened to other people, but would never come close enough to me that I could even touch it. Everyone described it like love was something that changed you. Like you became love. But I’ve never felt anything that intensely. Still though, I want to be someone worthy of your love._

_Factually speaking, all I know is that I want to be around you all the time. I think about you constantly, oftentimes in an all-consuming way that I wish I didn’t. I think about kissing you a lot more than I should. You generate this visceral response within me that I kind of hate. But also kind of like. Because it makes me feel alive? Like I’m really living and you’re evoking all this aliveness in me, I suppose? I don’t even know if that makes sense, but I guess, in the spirit of complete honesty, I miss you. I miss you while I’m writing this letter. I miss you all the time when you’re gone._

_I like when you’re around. I like you in a selfish type of way where I want to be with you all the time. I like being close to you. I like how well you know me. I like how genuinely kind you are. I like your smile. I like how serious you get when you’re thinking really hard. I like the way you seem to lose yourself when you read. I like the way you’ll hold my hand when we’re watching horror movies when you’re scared like you’re trying to comfort me instead of the other way around. I like how you always sort of smell of painting soap, like you spent too long trying to scrub the stains out of your clothes. I like the way your forehead creases when you’re worried. I like the way you’ll give these gentle half-smiles when you’re being reassuring, but then will have these wide grins that you split your face in half like you physically can’t contain your joy. I like the way your eyes light up when you get excited. I like your voice. I like the soothing way you’ll sometimes sing when you’re distracted. I like how passionate you are. I like how ambitious you are. I like how the world never seemed to make you hard. I like how you never let anyone reduce you to just “a pretty girl”, but still know how to use that to your advantage. I like how you put everything into everything you do. I like how much you care. I like how your brain works. I like everything about you._

_And, I think that, if this were a love letter, I would say that any and all figurative metaphors I could offer about the heart would be wasted on you. That the most romantic confession I could offer is that my brain is in love with your brain._

_So, I guess what I really want you to know is that I’m sorry. I’m sorry I lied to you. I’m sorry I didn’t trust you. I’m sorry I hid what you wanted to know more than anything from you. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the person that knows all the right things to say because I so badly want to be able to be that person for you. I’m sorry I hurt you, and I wish I could protect you from everything that could ever hurt you, but that would include me, and I’m too selfish to do that. Because I’ll be here (for you, or in your life) for as long as you want me to be. I’m sorry I couldn’t be someone better for you. I’m sorry I took so long to tell you all these things. I’m sorry I can’t tell you I love you. I’m sorry that I might not ever be able to._

_You deserve to be happy. If I know one thing, it’s that. Because you’re a good person, even when you don’t think you are. You’re bigger than your past. And you deserve so much better than some dumb girl still stuck on a ghost._

_Yours,_  
_Ellie Chu_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk why but writing for this ship has made me not feel the urge to read fics for it? like when i started this there wasn’t any out of world au’s which makes sense because fics that were time-jumps made sense because it followed the chronological order of the movie but now that i’m writing i can’t get into reading for the same ship and i feel really bad and i also feel like it doesn’t make any sense because i’ve been reading fleur/hermoine fics recently which has no correlation so idk
> 
> but in terms of this chapter i was looking through my old journals and i had a page that legit just said “love is deceptively cruel” written over and over so i thought that was a good starting point
> 
> anyways come talk to me on tumblr @gayanalysis or twitter @gaydepresso


	14. XIV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aster comes back and packs a bag, they fight, ellie slips the letter into aster’s bag, aster has trig take her to pick up art supplies, and aster tries to paint her feelings away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> someone commented that they like reading my rambling thoughts in the notes because they’re entertaining and even though that in no way pertains to the story it made me feel happy for no good reason so for that one person here’s more of my commentary: for me personally, it’s easier to write when i’m drawing on real life experiences or things i know a lot about (random anatomy/art facts won’t help with this though so that doesn’t matter) but so with the letter there’s a line that says “you deserve to be happy” and like two years ago there was this girl that i was like fucking in love with and her whole thing to me (because i was like hella depressed at the time) was basically that premise - that i deserved to be happy - was her whole thing involving me but so flash forward to last november and this girl i kind of had crush on practically told me the same thing and i broke down crying and obviously she didn’t know what that meant to me but yeah so i think that with how aster’s life has been that’d mean a lot to her 
> 
> also i feel like the majority of my plot points revolve around circumstances caused by being under the influence but like in my experience it’s fairly accurate 
> 
> also also one of my best friends accidentally found this fic so if she's still reading then hi ailana

With the letter folded up and placed carefully into an envelope, Ellie sealed it up before she could second-guess herself and back out.

By the late evening, Aster still wasn’t home.

Ellie knew she didn’t need to worry, that Aster could take care of herself, but that surety still didn’t assuage her anxiety.

She was tired in every sense of the word.

Both from trying so hard to be honest, and from the lack of sleep.

Against her will, Ellie drifted off, letter clutched hopefully in her hand.

Hours later, Ellie awoke to the sound of Aster coming in.

Unsure of what the best course of action was, all Ellie did was sit up, huddled beneath her blankets.

With Aster reeking of booze, wearing the previous day’s clothes, looking like she’d barely slept, Ellie didn’t know what to think.

Aster was clearly avoiding making eye contact, only flickering up to meet her gaze once.

Although Ellie understood why, it still hurt to see the implications of what Aster had gotten up to after fleeing the scene of their mutually broken hearts.

Before she could say anything though, Aster spoke, grabbing a bag and neatly folding several days worth of clothes and tucking some necessities inside, “I’m going to stay with Trig for a while.”

Luckily, Ellie’s brain worked on autopilot, “How long is a while?”

Aster glanced up at her again, probably not expecting Ellie to say anything at all again. “I’m not sure. Just… a while.”

“So that’s it then? You’re just going to leave?” Ellie said, not intending to be confrontational, but unable to contain the jealousy that bubbled up.

She physically recoiled in response, then going back to her preparations, disbelievingly said, “Don’t do that. If you really want to go there, then fine, at least I’m not the one who lied.”

Apparently Ellie was actually good at being mean because, wanting Aster to hurt like she hurt, she snapped, “At least I didn’t sleep with someone new the same day I confessed my love to someone else.”

Aster’s mouth dropped open, and Ellie’s clicked shut.

And Aster looks so hollow and small and childlike standing there in the dim glow of the morning that Ellie almost starts crying, “Is that what you think of me?”

Ellie wishes she could take it back, say that she didn’t mean it, apologize for being a terrible soulmate, and worse friend, but, again, when it mattered most, she stayed silent.

When it’s obvious Ellie isn’t going to say anything, Aster walks towards the bathroom to collect her toiletries, pausing at the threshold to say, “You lied to me. Not the other way around. And it’s not like we owe each other anything, so I think this is what’s best for us. At least for now.”

As though her vocal cords only worked in the presence of cruel intentions or unimportant statements, Ellie still didn’t respond.

Instead, while Aster was rummaging around in the other room, Ellie, being the coward that she was but also needing to avoid another fight, padded over to Aster’s duffel and slid the letter beneath one of her shirts.

Back in her bed, Ellie curled into a ball.

It was fair play.

Ellie needed space before, and, now Aster needed space, it was only right that Ellie give it to her.

The only difference was that Aster hadn’t done anything wrong, and, both times, Ellie had exploded on her for no good reason.

When Aster stopped by the entrance, Ellie almost hoped that one of them would say something, or that Ellie would magically find the right words in that split second.

Except all Aster did was grab her sunglasses off the countertop and put them on before she was gone.

And as Aster left for the second time, neither of them bothered with niceties, knowing they were too far gone for polite goodbyes.

But nothing made Ellie feel more like she’d made a dire mistake than the sight of Aster gently closing the door.

Because, if she had slammed the door, at least Ellie would have the auditory residue of an angry Aster to reverberate in her mind instead of her own.

~-~-~-

Outside, Aster tossed her bag into the trunk of Trig’s excessively expensive vehicle, and slid into the passenger side seat.

As much as she wanted to slam every fucking door she’d encountered, Aster knew it wouldn’t make her feel any better.

She’d run out of anger, and all she was left with was an aching numbness.

“Can we stop by the Metcalf so I can pick up some art supplies from my locker?”

Correctly assuming Aster wouldn’t want to talk about what went down, and that when she did, she would, Trig asked rhetorically, “So it’s going to be that kind of day, huh?”

Aster let out a hollow laugh, adjusted her sunglasses, leaned back, and said, “Yeah, it sure fucking is.”

On the way there, neither of them said anything, but Aster could tell Trig was concerned, she just didn’t have it in her to put on a facade of okayness yet.

~-~-~-

At the studio, spotting a horde of girls that glared at her as she stepped out of his car, Aster kind of wished they could see how dead inside she looked so they’d stop.

Instead, she sighed, and said, “If they come up and flirt with you, try to respond with something that won’t have them all want to beat me up.”

All she heard was his indignant huff though, and she shuffled up the stairs.

With her locker opened, she took out the backpack and stuffed a sketchbook, her special pens, her portable easel, and various sets of paint inside.

Backpack on, she free up her hands to carry a couple large canvases.

Noting the lack of people as she went back down, Aster raised an eyebrow at how embarrassed Trig looked, but chose not to comment.

Items neatly arranged in the back, Trig drove and asked, “Do you want to go pick up more alcohol, or should we just go back to my place?”

“I thought your bachelor pad would have more than enough stocked up,” Aster joked.

Mimicking the energy Aster was putting out, glad getting her supplies made her at least less sad enough for banter, Trig said, “Well, I mean, I do, but I think with the two of us we should probably get more.”

“Maybe later,” she replied with a more genuine laugh, “I just want to paint for a bit. Plus,” Aster added contemplatively, “I don’t think either of us is in the right state of mind to be good with needing our stomachs pumped any time soon.”

“Yeah, that’s probably true,” Trig conceded.

~-~-~-

Despite her protests, Trig took every single one of her belongings up, refusing to let her help.

“You know,” Aster said as they got inside the elevator, “If I was in the mood, I’d be that bitch and say you’re promoting toxic masculinity by doing a task where all you’re attempting to do is appear manly instead of considering my desires.”

Sarcastically, “Oh, so would you like to hold this? I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize. Please, let me give you the honor of holding your own stuff.”

Aster poked him, trying to knock him off balance in retaliation for his mocking.

Not budging an inch, Trig flexed his arms and dimples.

Before Aster could try something more extreme, the doors opened.

“Can you get my keys?” Trig asked.

Sticking her hand into his back pocket, Aster said, “Wow, and you’re letting me cop a feel?” 

When he rolled his eyes and she’d gotten the door unlocked, she held it open and quipped, “And they say chivalry is dead.”

“I’m going to put this all in the guest bedroom,” Trig called over his shoulder, already heading in said direction.

Locking the door, leaving his keys on the side table, she followed him.

There, she watched as he set it all gingerly on the floor, letting her organize it how she’d like. 

“Thank you. For letting me stay, and for taking care of me. Really. I appreciate it a lot.”

Ruffling her hair, Trig grinned in his signature way and said, “It’s all good.”

Then, shifting gears, he asked, “Do you want me to make you lunch? Or pick something up?”

“And he can cook,” Aster gasped, faux impressed.

When he only gave her a deadpan look, Aster said, actually answering his questions this time, “No, I’m okay, I don’t really feel like eating right now.”

“Okay, just come get me if you change your mind or need anything,” Trig said, leaving her to her own devices.

~-~-~-

Sunglasses off, tucked safely into the case, Aster opened her bags, wanting to put something more clean and comfortable on.

As soon as she’d taken out the first shirt, Ellie’s letter fell out.

Staring at her name written on the envelope for longer than she should’ve, Aster changed her mind and took out a shirt she wouldn’t mind getting dirty.

With sleeves methodically rolled up, Aster set the letter on the bed and pondered whether or not she should read it.

Uncertain, she chose to put it off, deciding that she didn’t want to know what Ellie had to say for the moment.

Instead of reading the letter, Aster set up her oil paints, needing a task that was slow and methodical that she could use as a way to work through everything.

Too out of it to find a good photo reference for anything, thoughts too incoherent to be able to copy something perfectly, Aster just went for it.

However, within the hour, as fuzzy and out of focus as it was, it was still easy to tell exactly what she’d painted.

The only thing she saw in mind’s eye with enough clarity to replicate by hand was Ellie.

Her happiest memory, with Ellie sleeping in her arms, was shrouded by darkness.

Going back over the underdrawing with cooler tones, the color palette very much mirrored her current frame of mind. 

While Aster typically let the paint linger when it got on her skin, uncaring, all it did was serve as another reminder of what she couldn’t have. 

Every time even a speck dropped into her skin, she rubbed it off harshly, feeling the spot like hot oil, burning, not needing or wanting the mnemonic.

Her actions weren’t enough though because, soon, Ellie handwriting appeared on her arm.

Frustrated by how that made her inexplicably happy, Aster shoved her sleeves back down so they covered the words up.

Flopping onto the bed, she stared at the envelope again.

Aster tore it open, taking the time to soak the words in.

After the first read through, she was already sobbing, curling onto her side into herself.

Reading it over and over through the blur of tears, Aster was almost tempted to rip it up just so she could stop herself from continuing to look at it, wanting something precious and irreparably damaged that could be used as a physical manifestation to represent the state of their relationship.

With the painting in the corner of the room, letter in hand, words on her skin, surrounded by Ellie, Aster felt like she was suffocating in just how deeply she’d fallen.

Because no matter what Ellie said, Aster still wanted her.

Her apologies and opinions didn’t change the fact that Aster was just as small and vulnerable and lost as she’d always been.

Falling in love didn’t change that. 

Finding her soulmate didn’t change that. 

And all the time and space in the world couldn’t change that either.

~-~-~-

Ellie sat watching the stains appear and disappear.

Aster deserved a perfect kind of love.

The kind with eternal happy endings, and permanent passion.

And Ellie’s was plain.

Bookish.

She couldn’t compare to the level of extraordinary that Aster was.

Aster had knelt at her altar, and hoped for a fairytale romance.

She was a goddess in human form.

And she’d willingly sunk down to Ellie’s level out of some false hope, and Ellie couldn’t even bother to return the favor.

Ellie was too boring, too fucking terrified to accept love from someone who’d only ever wanted a conquest. 

But she had to try anyways.

Knowing that Aster liked to paint when she was angry, or whenever she needed to work out her thoughts, Ellie knew Aster was paying attention, and that she would notice if Ellie wrote anything, so she summoned all the courage she could.

Ellie took out a thick marker, and, hands shaking, wrote on her forearm, “Can we talk?” 

The question went unanswered.

And the temporary smudges stopped coming, leaving Ellie alone once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> now that this fic is almost done, if you don’t mind, please comment or send me a message or something with a ship that you’d be interested in me writing for because while there’s no guarantee i’ll write something for it i guess i just want to know what people would be interested in?
> 
> talk to me on tumblr @gayanalysis or twitter @gaydepresso


	15. XV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ellie finally tells paul what's been going on and gets some good advice, ellie goes to find aster, ellie runs into trig, ellie and aster finally talk, and then they have their happily ever after

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i took longer to post than usual but, obviously, a lot of shit has been happening, so i’ve been kinda busy
> 
> but anyways, in terms of the story, i feel like ellie talks to paul too much in this fic but like i literally tell my friends everything 
> 
> like if i even feel an inkling of attraction to someone i’ll be like “bro i saw this really pretty girl” so i would also absolutely tell them if i was in love with someone so i think that, considering paul is like her best best best friend, ellie would also be unhappy with not telling paul everything about this situation

Ellie had reached a point it wasn’t worth it anymore to not be honest with Paul.

So, with that in mind, she called him, grateful he was in her life and that he habitually answered within the first few rings.

Amidst her lengthy explanation of the entire situation and Paul’s comforting comments, Ellie started crying again for what felt like the millionth time.

With a heaving sob, Ellie finished her rant by saying, “Thank you for being here for me.”

“Of course,” Paul said, tone carrying the message of how he’d always be there for her.

Then, he hesitated, “Can I be honest with you?”

Sniffling in an attempt to sound less watery, Ellie said, “Yeah, you never have to ask.”

“Okay, don’t be mad, but, until you met Aster, I don’t think I’ve ever seen or heard you cry. And that’s a good thing!”

Ellie laughed self-deprecatingly, “In what world is this annoying habit of having liquid pour out of my eyes possibly a good thing?”

“Well,” Paul said, “I think it shows that you care.”

When Ellie made a huffing noise to convey her disbelief, Paul continued, “Just bear with me. You already know that I think you’re the strongest person that I’ve ever met, but this girl makes you cry. A lot. Which isn’t a bad thing!”

Paul stopped again, gathering his thoughts before adding, “The fact that Aster makes you feel so much that your body physically can’t contain all its emotion-yness is special. It may not feel special because it hurts, but you can fix that. And then you’ll be left with all the fluffy, happy emotions, and none of the sad ones. So, if your tears force you to acknowledge how much she means to you, then, yeah, I think that’s a good thing.”

“I don’t think that’s a word, but, okay, let’s assume you’re right,” Ellie snuffled again, “What would I even do? How could I possibly fix this without making this worse and hurting her more?”

“Just be honest.”

“I already tried that,” Ellie burst out.

“Then make a big gesture and tell her in person.”

Doubtfully, “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.”

“Even if it’s not,” Paul said in what he hoped was a soothing tenor, “At least you’ll have tried.”

Ellie snorted. “You know it’s bad when your motivation sentences actually get to me.”

“Good! So what are you waiting for? Go talk to her. Fight for her!”

With a deep breath, Ellie agreed, hanging up and rushing out.

If there was ever a time to be impulsive, it was now.

~-~-~-

Feeling the slightest bit creepy for tracking Aster’s phone, Ellie stopped outside the apartment complex and rubbed her face to try to look less as though she’d recently had several emotional breakdowns.

Ellie gave herself a mental pep talk as she entered the building, but, in the elevator, face to face with Trig, the little confidence she’d built up fell and shriveled like ash in her stomach.

After a few tense seconds, Trig spoke up first, “So… I’m assuming you’re here for Aster?”

Ellie nodded, making eye contact with him for the first time since she’d entered.

“Look, I’m going to be real with you,” Trig said, eyes sunken and exhausted, “You’ve had so many opportunities to choose her, but you haven’t and you didn’t. So, unless you’re going to right now, then go home. Give her space.”

If there was ever a reasonable excuse for her to be a coward and back out, this was it. 

But Ellie was already there, and she responded instinctively, words corresponding to the ding of the doors opening, “I know. And I'm sorry. Thank you for being there for her. But I need to do this.”

“Whelp,” Trig shrugged, “I guess I better let you in then.”

Genuinely appreciative, Ellie softened a bit, giving him a nervous smile.

With the door unlocked, Trig nudged her shoulder gently after indicating towards which room Aster was located, “Don’t worry so much. I have it on good authority that she’s still in love with you. A little bruised, sure, but still completely caught up in you.”

There was a part of Ellie that stupidly wanted to argue, mention how that wasn’t a good thing, but the bigger part of her knew better than to self-sabotage again.

Instead, she offered another small smile, glad his statement and the smile he offered in response somewhat eased her discomfiture.

At the threshold of Aster’s hopefully only short-term room, Ellie knocked.

“Trig, I already told you that-” whatever Aster had been intending to say was cut off as she opened the door.

“Oh,” was all Aster said at the sight of Ellie.

Leaning against the doorframe, coincidentally blocking Ellie’s view of the interior of the room, Aster said, talking again once Ellie didn’t, “Um… what are you doing here?”

Despite it being the first time Ellie has ever seen Aster looking anything less than completely perfect, Ellie was temporarily rendered speechless.

Ellie thought Aster, while disheveled and completely distraught, was still heart-breakingly beautiful.

Even with less than twenty-four hours between the last time they’d seen each other and that moment, the heaviness of it all weighed on them both.

Requiring more time to gather herself, especially with Aster finally in front of her, Ellie asked, “Can we talk? In private, I mean.” 

“I think Trig might be eavesdropping, waiting to beat me up if I hurt you or something,” Ellie joked, cringing internally as it fell flat, cursing her inability to think around Aster.

Staring at Ellie, Aster knew it’d hurt more than before. 

It was inevitable. 

Aster was wholeheartedly in love, but would gladly let the hurt wash over her. 

She couldn’t stop the inevitability of hurting again, but she could delay it.

So, Aster sighed, saying, “I left for a reason. We both needed time to think. And I think we still do. I didn’t want to rush or pressure you into anything you didn’t want.”

Aster sounded so detached, and Ellie could only imagine how raw and defeated she looked.

Remembering what Paul had told her, Ellie starts, “Growing up, people always told me that when I met my soulmate I'd become whole.”

Ellie stops, trying to figure out where she was going with that, then changing her mind, and deciding her body probably knew what to say better than her brain did.

She picked up where she left off, “Or I’d feel whole. Or I’d feel complete. Just something along those lines, and that life wasn’t worthwhile until I found my other half. But I always thought that was bullshit. Why should I try to find someone when I was perfectly fine by myself? I didn’t need anyone. I built my own future, and no one would change that.”

Tentatively reaching out and holding one of Aster’s hands, Ellie said, eyes meeting, “But you’re different. So different from what I was thinking. Special in the exact way everyone always told me soulmates would and should be.”

Ellie swallowed hard, “So much more than what they described. You never expect me to be different. Or change. You just... want me.”

She barely stopped herself from letting out an awkward cough, not sure how she was supposed to act during such an emotionally charged conversation, “And I don’t think I knew how to deal with that. And honestly I still don’t. I guess somewhere in the recesses of my mind I’d assumed love, if I ever found it, would be slow?”

Gaining traction, Ellie rambled, “Like it would be a gradual process, one that was easily noticed and obvious. I thought love was one of those things that would be observable. But, now, I think that the phrase ‘falling in love’ is a lot more adequate of a description than anything else. Maybe it is falling. Maybe it’s a hard shove and plummeting down with nothing in sight. A dark free-fall. But a comforting dark? Like falling asleep. You don’t know it’s happening until it already has. And maybe I’m not there yet. Or maybe I’m not there at all, and I never will be.” 

A realization like sweet poison, lovely, but altogether like she’d die, washed over her, “God, that’s redundant, sorry. But I guess what I’m trying to say is that I want to try? I want to try with you. For you.”

Ellie squeezed Aster’s hand, “Not because you’re forcing me to, but because I think I could fall in love with you. I think I could fall in love with you and, even if love is just a feeling, it doesn’t matter. Because I know I like you, and I'm choosing to try because I think we both deserve it. And because I think you’re worth every doubt I might ever have.”

Aster couldn’t seem to make herself slip her hand out of Ellie’s grasp, so she said, tiredly, “This isn’t something you can just take back, okay?” 

Thinking, “I can’t deal with more heartbreak. Especially from you.” 

Aster paused again, unable to find her verbal momentum, “You’re… it for me.” 

Another stop, staring down at their hands, “I’ve had boyfriends before, but I’ve never felt anything close to what you make me feel.” 

She laughed this time, “You could ruin me, and I would let you.” 

Eyes darting up, sad, “I need you to be sure because, yeah, you’ve hurt me before, but if you break my heart there’s no coming back from that.” 

She bit her lower lip, “I’m not saying I want assurances, but, for the sake of full disclosure, I think I kind of need them. I love you, but I also know you. I don’t mean this in a bad way, but you’re… cautious. And I’m not. I’m reckless and stupid and I’m all fucking in, but only if you are, too.”

Ellie released a heavy exhale, “Honestly, I’m not sure. But I think, for once, I’m okay with that.”

Cupping Aster’s cheek with her other hand, forcing her to look her in the eye and maintain contact, Ellie said, “I think I am all in, even in spite of all my insecurities. I want this, I want you, and I’m more sure of that than I have ever been of anything in my entire life.”

With a wide grin, Aster said, “Thank fucking God,” and closed the remaining distance between them to press her lips against Ellie’s.

Still smiling, unable to properly kiss with the intensity of their happiness, finally able to hold each other without all the complications between them.

Simply staring tenderly, Ellie said suddenly, “Do you ever wonder what fireworks feel like?”

Fondly annoyed, Aster replied, flirtatious, “Kiss me again and you’ll find out.”

Ellie smiles excitedly, the most genuine one Aster’s ever seen, “That’s what I mean! People say with the right person you’ll feel fireworks, but fireworks are mostly just gunpowder.”

Aster leaned back, bodies still connected, humoring her, “So how would you describe the way this feels then?”

Ellie, having apparently become an instant cliché, said, “Like I’m home.”

And there was no way Aster couldn’t kiss Ellie again after that.

And as Aster went back in, lips brushing Ellie's, she couldn’t help but feel like Ellie was completely correct. 

Because, as they shared lazy kiss after lazy kiss, Aster knew that this was it. 

They had the rest of their lives to figure each other out. 

And she was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> on one hand i feel like the ending is extremely cringey and definitely something where if i saw it in a movie i’d probably roll my eyes 
> 
> but on the other hand i think cliches become that way for a reason and love makes everyone a lil cringey 
> 
> and i think it fits well with ellie’s character because she starts as someone who is extremely cynical but then love changes and softens her
> 
> and i usually kinda alternate the pov’s of aster and ellie but while i was writing it it seemed to make more sense to have it just be one cohesive mess i guess? idk
> 
> thank you for reading and talk to me on tumblr @gayanalysis or twitter @gaydepresso and send me prompts or suggestions for what you'd like me to write or just for fun

**Author's Note:**

> talk to me on tumblr @gayanalysis or twitter @gaydepresso


End file.
